“I just did all the housework and took care of the kids myself. Tom worked, that was his job. Everything else was my job.”
”Your garage looks so much better now that you’ve taken the time to clean and sweep it.”
”If you cut your portions in half, you would lose that baby weight. I went biking two weeks after my first two. I wanted my body back and I barely ate.”
These are just some of the things my mother-in-law used to say to me. They aren’t that bad, really, but it was enough to get under my skin. I usually ignored her (as did my then husband) because she’d usually blurt these things out in front of our young children and I didn’t want there to be tension.
There was one time though, where I couldn’t keep my daughter-in-law thoughts to myself. My ex-husband was talking about a trip he was taking with his friends. It was a weekend-long bachelor party and there would be strippers and lots of alcohol. I would be home alone with three children. They were all still in diapers. One of them was learning to walk. I was exhausted and pissed. He still thought it was OK to leave me for the weekend to go watch other women take their clothes off and drink too much with his buddies.
While he was discussing the plans with his brother, I made some sarcastic remark about how resentful I was and that he should skip this one because I’d be up to my elbows in bowel movements.
His mother told me to “stay down.”
Stay down. Like I was a dog who was misbehaving. That was it for me, and while I’m not exactly clear about what I said back then — it was over 12 years ago — she never said anything like that to me again.
I realize my problems with my MIL were minor compared with other people’s. We still got along OK, and she loves her grandkids and son very much. We had things in common we could talk about, and after that confrontation, I started speaking up more and not really caring about how she took my pushes after she pushed me first.
But since getting a divorce, when I hear my friends talk about their mother-in-laws, I’m so happy I don’t have one. It’s not that I couldn’t handle the relationship — it just feels good not to have that worry in my life.
It made things tense with my husband. He didn’t want to feel like he was picking sides, and I’d get mad at him for not sticking up for me.
I know there are a lot of fantastic mother-in-laws on this earth. Maybe someday I’ll have one again. But for now, I like the freedom of not having to double-check with someone’s mother on special occasions like holidays and birthdays.
I don’t miss feeling like I’m doing something wrong simply because it’s different from the way my partner’s mother would do it.
I’m glad the elephant in the room is gone and I can say and do what I want in my own home. When she would come to visit, there were always passive-aggressive comments about the state of my house and yard. Once, I even saw her walk into my room and swipe my dresser to see how dusty it was. I’m a grown woman, and I’ll dust when — and if — I want. I don’t need someone walking in and judging my housekeeping.
I really don’t miss her chiming in when I’d ask my ex to help me with dinner or to change a diaper. She constantly told him what a great father he was for simply being a father and sharing the parenting duties with me.
There were many moments when I wanted to scream, “Shut up! Just shut your face!”
I didn’t do it, of course. I tried to be the bigger person.
There are relationships that make us a better version of ourselves. There are relationships that we lose and then remember how good they were, even if we didn’t appreciate them as much as we should have at the time.
I have none of those feelings about my ex-mother-in-law. It’s been years since I’ve had one, and I won’t be sad if I never have another. I realize that sounds awful and selfish to some, but I make no apologies for it.
Divorce is hard, and it can strip you of confidence and a lot of happiness. I’m allowed to find some light in its cracks. And for me, that’s being without a mother-in-law.
