Motherhood was a desire I discovered later in life. When I finally felt a need to experience a deep love like no other and hear a toddler say, “Mom, I pooped the floor,” I was surprised how many flaming candles were atop my birthday cake. Even though I felt a little more winded blowing them out each year, I still added being a mom to my birthday wishes.
Besides being able to sleep anywhere, there are some benefits to being an older mama, like being wiser. I’m able to use all the life experience I’ve accumulated to help me in my parenting. I’m also more patient when crayons color my wall and I’ve learned how to expertly use the microwave to prepare elaborate dinners. Being a mom made me part of an insta-mom-club, but being an older mom sometimes leaves me feeling a little outside the group. So, if you’re part of the older mom scene too, let’s stick together. Grab your Classic Coke or Zima and see if you recognize these seven things…
1. Your bedtime is the same as your kid’s
After a day of running after your toddler or lengthy discussions with your grade-schooler about the benefits of living in a world built outside of Minecraft, you’re exhausted. Where once you had the energy to “Party Like It’s 1999,” now your party ends at your 7:30 p.m. bedtime. (You’ve also started enjoying eating during the Early Bird special hours.)
2. Your best parenting advice comes from Marty McFly
The blockbuster movie Back to the Future was “heavy” with ‘80s slang and favorite inspirational phrases for your kids like, “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.” Your kid thinks you're an emotional genius with these go-to phrases, but you know using great movie quotes to support your parenting was always in your “density.”
3. You won’t let your kid play with your old toys because they're worth a fortune on eBay
When going through old boxes, your kid thinks Christmas has come early when a box full of unopened Star Wars toys is discovered. Explaining why these toys aren’t in fact “toys,” but your kid’s college tuition, gives your child a quick lesson in why Star Wars action figures and classic Barbies are worth too much to be passed down for playtime.
4. Working out means pulling your Jane Fonda VHS tapes
Somedays you need to get those feel-good exercise endorphins flowing and that’s when you haul out your leg warmers, VCR, and say hi to The Jane Fonda Workout. She kept everyone in shape for a decade, because working out with Jane Fonda "9-to-5" was totally a thing.
5. You know what a VHS tape is
I’m larger than a cassette tape and more square than a DVD. If you know what I am, then you also know you could rent me for a modest fee, and I was a blockbuster hit in the 1980s.
6. You can remember when free-range parenting was just parenting
When you were a kid, you left the house after breakfast and played outside until the evening. All the kids were doing it, and now it’s weird to know this is a “style” of parenting that comes complete with its own definition.
7. You still have naptime even though your kid has stopped
Naptime when your baby slept was glorious. Not because you accomplished so many tasks, but because you napped too. Even though your kid may have stopped napping five years ago, you still haven’t — and now you probably never will.
All you older moms out there, I see you. I see you dozing off on playground benches underneath your sunglasses and it’s all good. I know you got your Jane Fonda workout in earlier while wondering if 8 a.m. is too early to blast to Welcome to the Jungle from that mixtape your BFF made for you. Still, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t go back in time to change anything — except maybe to stock up on Zima and Jolly Ranchers.
