I was talking with a friend of mine a few months ago and she revealed how she's been struggling for the past year to have a connection with her husband. For the first time in their 10 year marriage, there were big gaps in their sex life.
“We used to have sex three times a week. I want that for us but it’s not happening,” she told me.
She shared how they were only having sex once a month — or going even longer — which wasn’t enough for her husband.
“I can tell he’s struggling. I mean, he’s been walking around naked, asking me if I want to take a shower… anything… to get me in the mood.”
I then decided to ask the million dollar question: “Do you just not want to have sex, or do you not want to have sex with him?”
“I don’t want to have sex with him,” she said after a long pause.
That hit me
It wasn’t long ago when I felt the same way. I was married to a man I’d been with for almost 20 years and we dwindled down to only having sex a few times a year. It started small — I was able to make it happen once a week but I had to really get myself in the mood. Then we had kids and I literally felt like I’d be fine if I never had sex again.
I wanted so much to get it back — those feelings of wanting to connect with him in that way, and honestly, just feeling like I wanted to get laid. I wondered if that part of my life was over, which would have been sad since I was in my early 30s.
Our marriage ended and our sex life had a lot to do with it. Even when we did have sex, it was painful for me because I couldn’t get into it. I even went to my doctor and tried some hormone cream that was supposed to work after I found out my husband had an affair.
We hadn’t had sex in over six months and after being propositioned a few times by a co-worker, he gave in, then confessed. I don’t blame it all on the lack of sex — he stepped out on the marriage and that took a lot of thinking, pre-meditation, and lying on his part — but I blame some of it on our sexless life.
I have another girlfriend who really wants to have sex with her husband but he denies her over and over again. They have sex once a year, maybe. All her friends tell her to go get laid, to leave him, to give him an ultimatum. She’s had an affair and it almost ruined their marriage.
Sex is an important part of a relationship and problems grow if you aren’t having it
I’ve been with a man I’m deeply in love with and if he didn’t want to have sex with me, I would be devastated and I wouldn’t be able to stay. It would damage my self-esteem.
I’ve talked to a lot of women, especially lately, who feel like they don’t want to have sex with their husband. I wonder, can that be helped? I have carried around so much guilt around the fact I never wanted to have sex with my ex those last 10 years. While no one should be expected to do anything they don’t want to do, I know if I could have figured it out, we might still be married.
It’s been four years since we divorced and I still cry about this and wonder what I could have done differently
There are some great tips out there to read if you’re struggling to feel that loving feeling with your partner. Sex therapy is a thing and I believe we need to normalize lack of desire and the fact that phases of not wanting to have sex with your partner exists.
We hear the jokes, we bash the cheaters, but there’s a deeper level to it and maybe more relationships could be saved if it was talked about more. I know if I’d know about sex therapy and how much it could help, I would have given it a try. My marriage was worth it. My friend and her husband have already started the process and she says it’s helping. So here’s hoping their relationship takes a different path than mine did.
