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On my first date night out as a first-time mom, my husband and I sat down for Mediterranean food and saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button at the vintage movie theater next door. Neither of us bothered to look up the run time — so, after 2 hours and 46 long minutes, I was panicky from being away from my baby for so long, and my breasts were fully engorged.
I will admit, she was older than one at the time. We hired a date night babysitter through my local mom’s group. She was a pert young actress with tons of baby experience — much more than me — and she was fast asleep with a book on her chest when I got home. I was irritated that she wasn’t lingering over the edge of the crib watching my daughter’s every breath — and that I had spent $100 on top of mediocre food and $40 in movie tickets to an interminably long, boring, B- of a movie.
So, when other first-time moms ask about date night after kids, I have this advice — do as I say, not as I did. You can go on your first date, sans baby, long before the first birthday. As long as you feel up to it, and you have good caring hands to leave the baby in, everyone will be just fine. And you’ll be a lot happier for it, as long as you keep some of these ideas for date night in mind.
How do you know you’re ready to be away from your baby?
It’s a question only you can answer — when will you be ready to go out? For some moms, it’s right away — for their own sense of well-being, for the health of the relationship, or for whatever reason, really. For other moms, it’s not until after the six-week all-clear from their own doctor — especially if they’ve had a C-section or rough birth. For some, it’s not until the baby is reliably taking a bottle, or perhaps sleeping through the night, which can be anywhere from three months to (ahem!) three years.
If you’re thinking about date night, ask yourself these three questions.
What’s your baby’s temperament?
Easy babies are easy to leave in the charge of others. Fussy babies? Not so much. If your baby cries endlessly if she’s not attached, koala-like, to your body, date night might have to wait a bit.
Do you have a sitter you can trust?
Whether it’s grandma, your neighbor or someone you find through a service, you’ll need someone at home who has baby skills and knows when to call you (and when not to).
What’s your definition of date night?
A lingering three-hour meal at a five-star restaurant might be exactly what you want (and deserve!), but chances are you won’t be present enough to really enjoy it.
How long can your baby be without you?
If you are exclusively breastfeeding, dates are going to be shorter. If the baby is on a bottle, your leash is a bit longer.
Three pandemic-approved, fun date night ideas
The coronavirus pandemic means typical date night fare — the latest blockbuster, a fancy dinner, live music, or cocktails at your neighborhood watering hole — are probably off the table for the time being. In a weird way, that’s not the worst thing when it comes to ideas for date nights. You probably do want to keep the first date night or two shorter and more local, anyway.
That said, you might consider…
The low-key, outdoor patio meal
Particularly in the time of coronavirus, your desire to go out and feel “normal” for your first date butts up against your desire to not expose yourselves to a highly communicable, potentially life-threatening airborne disease. Like the CDC says, outdoor is better than indoor, fewer people is better than more, and keep it fairly quick. So, while your mind might go straight to fine dining for that first date night, let’s be real — a delicious but casual meal, at a not-so-busy hour, might be just the thing.
The day date
Who says date night has to happen at night. With unpredictable schedules, sometimes the most reliable sleep window is during the day — in which case, grab your partner and go for a scenic hike, a long walk, or an impromptu picnic.
The staycation
If you want to go all out and really recharge and reboot, consider an overnight. I know, I know, it seems extreme, but hear me out. Stay local. Use a trusted sitter. And then sleep, uninterrupted, in a bed someone else will make. Most of the nicer hotels in metropolitan areas are trying to make midweek stays even more appealing during the pandemic, with things like no-contact room service, 24 hours between bookings, and prescheduled socially distanced time at the pool.
Date night ideas — at home
Yes, we do everything at home now, thanks to coronavirus — including trying to recreate a date night. Luckily, it’s a lot easier than you’d think.
Bring your favorite meal home
Once you’re through the fourth trimester, when there might be some semblance of a schedule in place, you can plan a romantic evening during the first long stretch of sleep. The key to making date night different from, say, last Thursday? Do not hold back. Light candles. Use cloth napkins. Break out the silver. Put on something sexy and nostalgic — music and clothing — to remind you of your pre-partum days.
Have an indoor picnic
Somehow, eating on the floor just feels different. And see above: it’s time to splurge on fancy finger foods.
Just… relax
The point of date night is usually twofold — feeling like yourself again (and not just a new mom), and spending time with your person. When you think of it like that, there are lots of ways to make date night happen. You don’t have to make that big a deal of it. In fact, doing so can really backfire.
"Going on a bona fide date with my husband used to be as simple as making an Open Table reservation and taking a night off from the kitchen," Whitney Pipkin wrote in The Washington Post. "But now that we have a pair of young children underfoot, getting out the door comes at such a steep cost — including the babysitter and the sky-high expectations — that the evening often feels doomed to fail before it begins."
In the end, it's the effort, really, that counts.
"Taking time for your relationship – whether outside the home or inside the home – is good for your relationship health," W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project and an associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia, told UVA Today. "This isn't rocket science, but it's an important reminder."
