As a mom and wife, I hear words all the time. Most days these words form sentences asking me where objects are located or if it’s time for another snack. After I help my husband “find” the potato chips in the pantry, I then tell my 8-year-old his dad will get him some chips. Occasionally, a “thank you” is uttered or an “I love you” thrown out for good measure. While the latter always gives me the warm fuzzies, these aren’t the three little words I’m longing to hear.
When I became a mom, I knew I’d signed up for sleepless nights, afternoons of worry, and mornings of meal prep and laundry
I prepared myself for the exhaustion that would accompany the delight I felt in parenting my kid. What I hadn’t seen in my future were the countless invisible tasks inherent to momming. My brain is full of schedules, appointment times, menus, and all the other random information that goes with keeping my family organized.
After I’ve finished straightening the kitchen, I wonder, “If a person vacuums, and no one is around to hear it, does it count?” My answer is a swift yes, but when my crew isn’t around to see this play out, it’s like it never happened. More than all the physical responsibilities I keep, no one notices that moving effortlessly from discussing homework schedules to work issues actually does take effort.
The constant emotional support my crew craves can leave me feeling super unsupported
All the invisible work I do gets thrown into the pile with all the other unseen tasks I’m working through — like that pile of laundry that magically gets washed. I totally get all of my efforts are a necessity to keep my family connected and functioning, but lately, like all these tasks, I’m feeling invisible, too.
Is it just part of motherhood to feel taken for granted?
“No one notices everything I’m doing. Do I sound like I’m complaining?” I practice asking my dogs.
My border collies just stare at me wide-eyed, wondering where their treat is for listening to me spill my feels for so long. This feeling-unseen feeling is a weird gloom I carry with me. It’s heavy like my kid’s school backpack, and it weighs me down while I’m trying to lift my family up. The more I do, the more I feel undervalued — and the kicker is my family doesn’t notice this either, and my dogs have already moved on from our conversation.
I want my family to recognize and say the three little words I’m so longing to hear: I appreciate you
Appreciation can’t begin without awareness, so I decided to use my own words, “Honey, I’m feeling underappreciated. Is there something we can do?” I went on to tell my husband all I’d been thinking and feeling, and after I finished, he apologized.
“Of course I appreciate you. I’m sorry I don’t say it enough,” my husband offered. Hearing those words erased my gloom and, in that moment, I felt seen.
I decided to ask my husband to partner-up and help out with specific tasks, like vacuuming and homework — and he said he’d be there. Asking for help from my husband (and later my son) has started to create a deeper understanding of how our household operates. It gets the appreciation flowing over here and is leading us to a deeper gratitude that encompasses our whole family. And, you know… I can appreciate that.
