“It just happened,” he said. “I don’t know how, but it just happened.”
Those were the sentences that followed my ex-husband’s confession of his month-long affair.
I found out later that it didn’t “just happen.” The woman he decided to have sex with — in our family vehicle, on a night he was supposed to be with me, celebrating my birthday — didn’t “just happen.”
They were both consenting adults
She’d asked him out at work, on a day he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring because he’d taken it off making pizza dough the night before and forgot to put it back on.
He told her he was married and turned her down.
She asked again a few weeks later and he agreed to take a ride with her to the ocean. He told me he was going out with friends after he’d denied my request to take a trip to Ikea for the evening. I’d been wanting new countertops and thought they’d make the perfect birthday gift.
He talked me out if it — saying the drive and getting someone to watch the kids would be too much. He said we should just go somewhere local.
I sat at home that night, after he left, knowing something was up, but never in a million years did I think it would be him having sex with someone else.
After that night, he came home and took a shower
I thought I heard him crying but figured my mind was playing tricks on me.
I woke up early the next day, to tend to our three kids alone as he slept.
His behavior changed drastically over the next few weeks. He was short-tempered, irritable, and lost weight.
They continued their affair for a month, until she moved away. It didn’t “just happen.” That kind of betrayal, planning, and sneaking around takes time and thought.
I recently talked to a friend who had an affair on her husband, who fully admitted it didn’t “just happen.”
“I was lonely. I was looking for validation. It didn’t start out as hunting down an affair, but when it was clear that’s what it was coming to, I didn’t stop it.”
I’m sick of people saying an affair just sneaks up on them and happens to them as if they have zero control.
When you step outside your marriage, regardless of why, you are aware. You are a conscious being. You know what you are doing and, yes, you do have control.
You want to do what you are doing, there’s no question. That doesn’t mean it won’t be followed with sadness and regret. That doesn’t mean the guilt over it won’t drag you into the ground.
But stop saying it 'just happens'
Falling on ice "just happens." Tripping up the stairs "just happens." Your child putting 10 boxes of laxatives in the grocery cart while you aren’t looking "just happens."
Get it right and own the fact you knew what you were doing. It’s an insult to your partner to say you had no control and didn’t know what you were doing. That’s a cop-out. It’s a poor excuse that takes away all your responsibility — and you know it.
You know what also didn't "just happen"? Making a lifelong commitment to your partner and family. At least they deserve the truth.
