“Sorry, fourth baby.”
It’s a mantra I’ve found myself saying more and more. Like the moment last January, when I realized that my 6-week-old child had never had a proper bath in her life. Because by the time you have your fourth baby, your priorities shift.
It starts when you’re pregnant, by the way. There’s a huge difference in the reactions when you announce you’re pregnant with your fourth, as opposed to your first.
When you’re pregnant with your first baby, pretty much everyone is excited. You get peppered with questions from “When are you due?” to “Will you give birth naturally?” to “Are you taking a babymoon?” It’s exciting to be pregnant with your first baby, and everyone is excited for you. The magic you feel at just being pregnant is magnified by everyone else around you.
Is having 4 children grounds for a vasectomy?
When you announce you’re pregnant with your fourth child, things go a bit differently. If you’re lucky, you still have your fanbase of people who are thrilled to hear the news. But then you also get the comments like, “Do you know what causes this?” and “You’re going to have your hands even fuller!” One family member even suggested to my husband that he consider a vasectomy.
I have an advantage in that my kids are spaced pretty far apart — they’re 15, 11, 2, and 8 months — but that brings its own challenges. The poor fourth baby often gets the short end of the stick.
I woke up one day and my youngest child was 6 weeks old, and she’d never had a proper bath.
Last week, I dealt with two ends of a broad spectrum — having a teething baby and a teenager who was frustrated by a section of her SAT study guide. I reminded her that it’s OK to ask for help and walked her through her section, painstakingly helping her problem-solve through equations I’ve somehow forgotten in the 20-plus years since I’ve taken the SAT. I nursed the baby, but not much else. I think they are both OK. I mean, all four are OK. I didn’t even know where the middle two were at that point, because that’s the nature of having four children at home.
Three kids? A piece of cake
I felt like I was on top of my parenting game by the time baby No. 3 entered the picture.
Don’t get me wrong — she totally rocked my world. Whether it was due to her personality, or the age gap between her and No. 2 — or, you know, the fact that they have different dads — that third baby kinda did me in. But here’s the thing about the third baby: I’d done this before and I knew the drill. I knew that it’s OK for them to cry, so I learned very quickly to stop stressing. I just picked her up, put her on my shoulder and went on with life. Three kids, man. I’d made it!
And then that fourth baby hit, and all of a sudden there were so many people needing me. Even though I have an amazing partner who loves caring for kids as much as I do, there’s just not enough time in the day. So, I woke up one day and my youngest child was 6 weeks old, and she’d never had a proper bath in her life. Sorry, fourth baby.
Even though I’m busy all the time now, and even though my fourth baby doesn’t get anywhere nearly the same one-on-one time my first child did in her infancy, I am never, ever sorry that she’s here. She is the delight of her three older sisters — even for the 2-year-old. When we ask the toddler if she wants to go to the park, she shouts with joy, and her first question isn’t about the “fwings” or the “fwide,” it’s “You wan’ go park, Baby? You go park too?”
My teenager bonded with her youngest sister the day she was born, and they’ve been nearly inseparable since, despite the 15-year age gap. When I’m making dinner and the older kids are doing homework, if the baby fusses, I never have to wait more than 30 seconds before she stops. A quick glance confirms that the teenager has the baby in one arm, rattling a toy at her, and her math homework in the other.
Even the 11-year-old, the younger sister in my first “set” of daughters, has already been extolling the virtues of being the little sister (you can usually get away with more stuff), and denouncing the disadvantages (the big sister thinks they’re the boss, for some strange reason).
Fourth time’s the charm
This poor little neglected fourth baby of mine has all the love and support she could ever want in the form of the other people I already created. You’re welcome, fourth baby.
But more important, I’m a better mom now than I was with each kiddo before her. My husband is a better father too. It’s just the nature of things: The more you do it, the better you get. Of course, there are exceptions, but when you love raising kids as much as we do, you seek out better ways of doing it. We compare notes with one another, we share our joys and concerns about our kids, and yup, we’re the couple that reads parenting books together, and picks and chooses what methods we think will work better for our family dynamic.
My fourth baby may get less of me in terms of time, but she’s getting the best version of me. So, maybe I really should be saying, “Sorry, older kids.”
