5 Signs You’re a ‘Geriatric Millennial’ (Yes, It’s a Thing!)

Today I stood up from my desk and went to take a step. It felt like my hip joint was tight or slightly out of place. “Ow!” I exclaimed, then said something I had hoped I wouldn’t say for another 30 or so years. “My HIP!”

My office mate looked at me. “Your what?”

“Just a sec.” I went into a warrior yoga pose and stretched my hip flexor. Carefully standing up straight, I realized the pain was gone and I sighed in relief. Whew! I felt like I had been seconds away from needing a Life Alert necklace.

Okay, I know I’m not in the best shape ever, but I’m not that old, am I? I’m a millennial for pity’s sake! A millennial! You know, an upstart young’un! We like to ruin industries and destroy our lives with too much technology. We’re addicted to the interwebs. We’re the ones the boomers are always complaining about, right?

So it turns out that Millennials have lost their place as the fresh new generation. We’ve got Gen Z in the mix now, as well as the Zennials. And not only are millennials getting old, those of us born between 1980 and 1985 (I’m an ’83 kid) are apparently considered a micro-generation known as GERIATRIC MILLENNIALS!

WTF!

Maybe it makes sense that my hip’s going bad.

So, how do you know if you’re a “geriatric millennial” — especially if your hips are doing just fine? Here are some highlights from your past that’ll flag you as a GM right away!

You remember your AIM screen name

AOL’s instant messenger debuted in 1997 during the early days of the internet. Back then, cyberspace was essentially the Wild West — an unregulated place where everyone was anonymous and there were no corporations collecting your data in order to target you with oddly specific advertising. Who could ever forget the iconic sounds of the creaky door opening when someone logged on, the boodleboop of a message coming in, or the shutting door sound as they logged off?

Instant messaging was a brave new world where you and your friends could huddle around the computer and compose perfectly crafted messages to your crush versus stuttering over the phone and getting all tongue-tied. You could chat with friends, strangers, or even jump in a chat room (remember those?!) and pretend to be someone else entirely. So what was your first AIM screen name? Was it BabySpice6969? Mine was trenchmouth83. Yeah, don’t ask.

You played a ton of Oregon Trail and SimCity 2000

Computer lab time at school! Luckily, after you were done practicing your keyboard typing lesson you could play an “educational” game like SimCity 2000 or Oregon Trail. The educational label is sketchy at best, but those were some of the most iconic games of the time. The best part of SimCity was building a cool city and then calling in a big orange Godzilla to destroy it. Even better was getting the endless money code so you could build insane urban landscapes with no limits.

And how could you not love Oregon Trail? Most of the time I would start a game, and then just go hunting the entire time and let my wagon family die of snake bites and dysentery. Once in awhile I’d try to get all the way to the Willamette Valley, but mostly I tried to find new and inventive ways to kill my pioneers. One time, after a pretty nasty breakup, I named every person in the wagon party after my ex-boyfriend and forded every single river, no matter the depth. Sorry, Mike. That was petty. But whoa, did I feel better!

You had a favorite Spice Girl

Did your teenage self identify with brash, bold, sexy Ginger? Or were you demure and cute like Baby? Outspoken and wild like Scary? Taciturn and sultry like Posh (aka Victoria Beckham, who was once a major pop star before she was a fashion designer for you young’uns out there)? Or were you the tall, weird, awkward friend who couldn’t handle platform shoes and always wore a ponytail? Yeah, that was me. That means you’re a Sporty Spice…

You wanted to skateboard

Skater culture went mainstream in the ‘90s, and with the success of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater for Playstation 1 (yes, ONE), everyone was bitten by the skateboarding bug. Skate parks popped up across the country with tweens and teens desperate to learn how to do a kickflip or grind a rail. If you were an “alternative” kid, you definitely shopped at Zumiez and begged your parents to buy you a pair of Airwalks. So, how many bones did you break before you realized you were never gonna be Tony Hawk? No wonder you’re in your late 30s and feeling geriatric already.

You did the Macarena (and you still know the moves)

Break out your body glitter, your butterfly hair clips, and your Body Fantasies perfume spray — it’s time for the school dance! You and your friends knew the Macarena dance by heart and went wild as soon as you heard the opening notes. Shout out to some of the other songs that you no doubt heard at your school dances back in the day — “Cotton-Eyed Joe”, “Genie in a Bottle”, and the dreaded slow dance to “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”.

Sigh.

Well, here we are. 1980-1985 babies, we’re officially old now. Time to break out the Bengay and butterscotch candies. But the best part of being a “geriatric millennial”? Our lives are so full that we just don’t care what younger generations think about us. MySpace may be a thing of our past, but we’re not going anywhere.