Listening to the advice of someone who has been there is so healing after divorce. Listening to the advice from co-hosts Jesenia and Julie on this week's episode of my favorite divorce podcast, Splitting Upward, reminded me we all need to do what's best for our family.
This week, they decided to open the floor to their listeners and answered all sorts of quesions about parenting and divorce, which I always find really helpful. Sure, the advice part is good, but there are times when simply hearing other parents don't have it all figured out either can make us have more compassion for ourselves.
One listener sent in and asked a question about sending her child (who is 5) to therapy. She felt her child should go and her ex didn't agree with her. And I have to say, I disagreed with her ex in a big way.
When my ex and I split up, the best thing we did for our three kids was put them in therapy. Divorce isn't just life-changing for a couple — it's world-shattering for the kids.
When we decided to go our separate ways, telling our kids was by far the toughest task. I can honestly say I knew it was going to be hard, but nothing could have truly prepared me for that evening.
I knew we'd be hurting the people we loved the most in this world and there was nothing we could say to take the hurt away. The guilt came on hard and fast, even though I knew we were making the best decision for them in the long run. Even though my divorce was very amicable and the kids seemed to be adjusting well, we still thought therapy was important.
While my kids only went for a few months, it helped them to have someone to talk to about this huge life change and was outside of the situation. We talked to them about the kind of person they’d like to see and asked around to find a therapist who would be the best fit.
This experience was helpful for them, and it gave me peace of mind that they had a safe place to vent and where they would get the tools they needed to cope with any anxiety of the unknown — tools I wasn’t able to give them.
While the hosts of Splitting Upward thought putting the child in therapy if she wasn't showing signs of having a really difficult time might be adding too much drama into the situation, it was something I wanted to provide for my teens.
We kept an open dialogue about their sessions and as soon as they felt they got everything out of therapy they could, we stopped the sessions. They were able to get valuable tools. It turned out my son needed help coping with anxiety that he wasn't even sure was related to our divorce. He learned that he needed to eat more regularly, and tried meditation in order to help him fall asleep. These two things helped his moods and he still uses them to cope even two years later.
My daughter can be very quiet and closed off when it comes to talking about her emotions, unless someone prompts her. She wanted an adult woman to talk to about everything from her dad moving out to friendships. It helped to have someone she trusted to vent to and I could see that after a few sessions it was easier for her to open up and talk about her feelings.
My ex and I are always here for our children and they know it. But we also aren’t professionals when it comes to dealing with other people’s emotions.
Therapy was something that kept the foundation of our family strong as we tried to navigate our way into this new routine. And if you ask me, things don’t have to completely be falling apart to for you or your children to get some outside help.
Listen to Episode 12 of Splitting Upward:
