Until I was actually faced with the reality of caring for a baby, I had no idea how incredibly exhausted I would be. I was blessed with a crappy sleeper. Neither of my sons slept well from the get-go, and for many years after that.
I had always been told that parenting was a 24/7 job, but boy did my babies prove just that!
Most of the time that my babies woke up, it was to nurse, and considering I was the only one with boobs, that responsibility fell to me. But my babies often woke for other reasons: fussiness, a diaper change, the need to be burped, or just a general need to be soothed from who-knows-what.
When the boob didn’t work, my husband swooped in to take care of things
It was an unspoken agreement we had. Depending on what was going on, sometimes he’d be up even more often than I was.
I didn’t realize how unusual this was until a couple years later when I was commiserating with some friends about their kids’ crappy sleep habits. When I mentioned casually what my husband did to soothe my kids, a couple of friends looked at me with wide, incredulous eyes.
“Your husband wakes up with your babies at night?” my friend asked.
I didn’t really know what to say
My husband was just as much a parent as I was, and neither of us saw a reason why the nighttime duties should fall to me in particular.
Of course, I learned over the years just how unusual our setup was. Most of the moms I knew had husbands who either rarely helped at night, or who refused to help at all. Many just expected that the mom would do it, either because of perceived gender roles, or the fact that the mom was the one nursing or doing most of the baby care in general.
Many of my friends also said that they needed to do the nighttime stuff because their spouses worked outside the home and needed their rest. (Ummm, being a stay-at-home mom is work, too, people!)
I wasn’t surprised when I saw a recent poll that confirmed my suspicions about how rare it is to have a husband who pitches in at night. The poll, sponsored by The Sleep Judge, found that moms are three times as likely to handle nighttime parenting duties as men.
While 31% of women expected to tend to their children at night, more actually ended up doing it. The poll found that 42% of moms did nighttime duties, while only 14% of men did.
That’s a huge freaking disparity
Here’s the part that really made my blood boil. Most of the women polled worked outside of the home, either part time or full time. So the idea that the reason men can’t get up at night to care for their babies because of work is total nonsense. Moms are bearing the brunt of nighttime responsibilities either way.
Look, I know that solving a problem like this will take more than a simple plea for more equity in parenting. The reason why stuff like this happens is because of gender norms that are deeply entrenched in our culture and society.
We’ve had enough, though
Moms are completely depleted and exhausted. If the past few years of pandemic living have proven anything, it’s that moms are chronically taking on more of the household burden than men. And we are burnt to a crisp.
It doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to simply accept the fact that you are the one taking on the vast majority of parenting responsibilities, both day and night. Tell your partner what you need. State your boundaries.
And please, don’t accept B.S. excuses for why they can’t pull equal weight when it comes to parenting.
