People You Need on Your Side in a Divorce

Even if you need legal counsel quickly, be sure to take some time to interview attorneys and find one who is the right fit for you. The hard-ball lawyer who requires a $20,000 retainer or the chain-smoking old-pro who wants to get a private investigator on the ex might be incredible litigators, but they may not be the people you want across the table or phone with you for months (or years) on end.

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Choose someone you identify with in some way, says attorney Carol Camin. Since I chose a fiesty, powerful attorney in killer heels—just the kind of woman I wanted desperately to be in this situation—I saw her point. I interviewed expensive attorneys, and while they were all about business, they weren’t right for my business. Personal connection is a factor, but financial and strategic savvy is critical. This may be the first or biggest business decision you’ve made alone in a long time, so be sure you’re choosing a lawyer you trust, who has a solid reputation and acts confidently.

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Most people who have been divorced will tell you that it aches to lose the friends that go away once a couple splits. Every woman interviewed said that the counter to those people who leave are the true friends who stick around or show up when things are most tough. “Every divorcing woman needs to have that friend, that one friend, who will honestly and blatantly call you out on your crap when you're wallowing in your pity party, and they will also tell you when you're ex is screwing you royally,” says Kelly Wickham of the blog Mocha Momma. “This is the friend who will get you through it. She will cheer and tell you she loves you and that life is still getting in the way, but that she supports you.”

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Rachael Brownell, mother of three girls and author of Mommy Doesn’t Drink Here Anymore, says you will not have to seek this friend out; she will find you. This friend, she describes, is “anyone who loves you in all your faulty loveliness and weeping, in all your questioning and vanity and fear. True friends will be revealed during these times of trial. And if you find yourself alone, go find some new girlfriends—through exercise classes or a divorce support group."

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Counseling may not only help you sort through all of the emotions during a divorce, it may also be a place where you can strategize how to handle upcoming mediation dates, script phone calls with your ex, even make a solid financial plan.

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The American Psychological Association has an excellent psychologist locator on its website. Or try asking your doctor for a referral or even gathering recommendations from friends. Divorce-centered organizations such as Chicago-based The Lilac Tree are cropping up across the country and offer workshops, support groups, financial planning and other resources for women in relationship transition too. Don't be afraid to ask professionals if they're open to bartering services.

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Every single mother needs a reliable, skilled and loving babysitter with a flexible schedule and a car to drive herself home. Sadly, realistically, very few of us actually have found that sitter or have been able to keep her on retainer.

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You can try sittercity.com and care.com. Both are highly reputed resources for finding childcare and household help. They offer background checks, references, reviews and hiring guides for relatively low monthly subscription fees that are often discounted.

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I made a deal with my brother that I would text him all the information I knew about every person I went out on a date with—name, address, short description, where we were meeting. We checked in before I left, and I let him know when I was safely tucked into my apartment. It was a sigh of relief for us both and took less than 30 seconds to arrange each time I went out. That took care of everyday personal safety.

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Choose someone who knows your kids so that they can step in and help if anything goes wrong. And while you're at it, make sure your kids are equipped to handle emergencies too. I allayed some of the fears that something would happen to me when I was alone or home only with my young son, particularly during the tense times before all the visitation agreements were signed, by making an emergency chart. I taught my son how to call 9-1-1 and posted people to phone if he ever found me unresponsive.

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No, not for the pipes under the bathroom sink. For you. Whether you’ve left a relationship where the sex was frequent and fabulous, or your ex rarely brought out the old tool box, it is not a bad thing to be single and have a safe, fun partner who will help you keep purring along. Some single moms swear by having a buddy with benefits, so long as the arrangement is clear, consensual and obviously condom-protected. While sex for the sake of sweating and screaming is wonderful, it can also serve your sanity.

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Choose someone who is discreet. Keep your encounters to times when the kids are not at home, and do not discuss your sexuality around your children. “Having a sexual outlet is a fabulous way to release tension as well as connect with yourself as a human, alive individual,” says divorced and now-married mom Lily Johanson. Just be sure that you and your Maintenance Man are keeping things to yourselves.

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This advice came from my 7-year-old son. I often tell him about what I am writing. Sometimes his answers are goofy, tangential, totally kid-like. For this one, I gave him extra dessert: “The most important person is you,” he said as if it were completely obvious. “You have to know how to take care of yourself and also that it will all be OK.” If the child doesn’t see what a struggle it is to put this person, this "you," at the center, then perhaps you are doing something very right. But it is all too easy to see the attorney, best friend or guy you’re out on a second date with as the necessary components to surviving.

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The thing is, you are the common factor among all of these people. They may be brought closer because of the situation, but you are the one at the center. Remind yourself of the triumphs, mistakes, moments of grace and wonder, when you found yourself to be stronger or quieter or more beautiful or far savvier than you ever imagined. Long after the legal fees are paid off (and eventually, they will be), the wine bottles have been recycled and the visitation is going smoother, you will still be there. Take some time, money and energy, and make that woman happy and healthy along the way.

Did we leave anyone out? Who was on your ninja squad during your divorce?

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