Before I got pregnant, I had a pretty solid group of friends.
Almost all of them were from my high school and were girls that I had known since before I was a teenager. We had done so much growing up together, but still had a lot of growing up to do.
Then we graduated high school and everything changed. Everyone started going down their own paths, and when I turned 18, I moved out and was completely on my own. I was working full-time and putting myself through community college.
It was overwhelming and nothing I had ever planned for myself
Thank goodness I was dating the man who is now my husband — because I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. He was the one I leaned on for emotional support, because while everyone else had the opportunity to grow up slowly, we had to grow up very fast.
We got married when I was 20 and just three months later — one month after my 21st birthday — I found out I was pregnant.
At the time I was already having trouble connecting in the same way with most of my old friends, because we were in such different spaces in life. But now it felt like we were on completely different planets.
My pregnancy was isolating and eye-opening — and miserable.
I developed hyperemesis gravidarum at just six weeks pregnant and was super sick my entire pregnancy. I was on medication, but even then, I was still carrying around my puke bucket. I was feeling the worst I had ever felt – and I’m not sure I will feel that sick ever again.
Not only was I feeling bad physically, but emotionally I wasn’t doing well either. I was depressed and wasn’t bonding with my baby in utero because I knew my sickness was directly related to being pregnant. I was also very frustrated I couldn’t enjoy my pregnancy like I had anticipated.
Since my friends had never been pregnant, I don’t think they knew how to be there for me — or maybe they just didn’t care.
It didn’t help that after getting married, my husband and I moved an hour away from our friends and family. For some reason, everyone wanted us to come visit them but nobody wanted to make the trek to our home. I had just a handful of visits the entire time I was pregnant. I even had people getting upset with us for not coming to visit them, even though I was so sick I couldn’t leave the couch most of the time and my husband worked over 60 hours a week.
We did have a few supportive friends and family members through this experience, but I would say most of them were not.
After my daughter was born, things didn’t get better
We had a couple of visitors, but still everyone wanted us to drive to them so they could meet the baby. They rarely asked how we were doing, and if someone offered to help, they wanted us to go to their house, which wasn’t helpful at all.
Over time, a handful of our relationships with some of our friends and family members drifted apart. At first I was very hurt, I felt betrayed and neglected, and I wondered what I had done to make people act this way. But then I thought about it and realized I wasn’t the problem: My friends and I had just grown in different ways.
It’s taken me quite some time, but now I’m glad that this has all happened. Because through all of these trials and life changes, we were able to see who is really there for us. I was also able to see that I deserve to be loved by my friends, and the relationships I have shouldn’t be one-sided.
While it’s sad, I know I won’t always be friends with someone “forever.” Some people are meant to come in and out of my life to teach me things.
I will always love and respect the people I no longer have relationships with, but now we see that it’s better to focus on the people who genuinely love and care for us.
And there’s another silver lining of going through this experience: I learned how to be a better friend, how to be more compassionate, and how to put myself out there in order to make new friends.
I have been caring less about what others think, and focusing more on myself – which helps me to surround myself with people who have the same interests I do.
I used to be shy, and now I would say I am an extroverted introvert. I have put myself out there and made friends online in Facebook groups and on Instagram, and in person at play places, parks, wineries, and even the grocery store!
And since my daughter was born, I have met some amazing women
Moms who are in the same place of life as me so they understand my struggles, and when they don’t understand, they try to.
For me, my friendships with other moms have been so special. I feel like I can be myself without the fear of being judged. I also feel like I talk more about the “important” things in life with my friends, which has made these relationships deeper.
And if I could go back in time, I would tell myself that becoming a mother is a huge change that not all people are going to understand. I would tell myself not to stress about things or people that ultimately don’t matter, and to surround myself with the things and people that do.
Because sometimes we are meant to let go of certain relationships so we can move on and continue to grow.
