I’m afraid I'm failing my children.
I have so much mom guilt.
I feel like I’m not a good mother.
These are some of the many phrases I’ve heard repeatedly throughout my 20 years of experience in the therapy room supporting mothers. As a clinical psychologist and writer, I can affirm that the words we use to describe ourselves, experiences, relationships, especially in regard to motherhood, matter.
Words are the foundation of expression; opening a window, revealing our inner values, beliefs, thoughts, and how we see the world. And the words we use in mothering, not only with our children but with ourselves, are incredibly powerful.
Eighteen years ago, when I became a mother to premature twin girls, I learned early on that sharing my raw and honest feelings in those first years — scared, exhausted, overwhelmed, and ineffective at times — was often met with discomfort, changing the subject, or encouraging me to focus on the positive. There seemed to be an unspoken taboo in motherhood — don’t talk about or share the challenging parts of mothering, keep those feelings to yourself.
What I really needed was someone to tell me that motherhood is going to be a very emotional journey for the rest of your life. And you’re going to feel a whole range of emotions, from the ones you anticipate, like joy, awe, and gratitude, to the ones in between, like boredom, to the feelings that push you to the edge, like overwhelm, anger, worry, fear, guilt, and regret.
That's the part about motherhood I’m perplexed about; we as a society prepare mamas to anticipate the positive emotions and moments of motherhood but less so the challenging ones. Thankfully, these days, we are talking more openly about postpartum depression and anxiety. However, I’ve observed a trend: We're not talking and supporting moms through the emotions experienced after the first year of mothering and well beyond.
Challenging or uncomfortable emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, disgust, embarrassment, and shame are often described as “negative” emotions. When we label and call anything “negative,” there can be a tendency to become defensive, shut down, deny, or ignore. Words matter, and framing emotions this way blocks an opportunity to take care of and understand our emotional experiences. I intentionally frame these emotions — sadness, anger, fear and anxiety, disgust, embarrassment, and shame — and all the variations in between as "shadow emotions."
Shadow emotions in motherhood are neither good nor bad, Instead, they are pieces of information about what we are feeling, showing us the need for some attention, support, care, and understanding to work through what is being emotionally experienced. When shadow emotions are not paid attention to and managed, they get louder and more intense until we’re forced to deal with our emotional experiences.
I’m sure you’ve experienced this at some point in motherhood, how irritability, exhaustion, and lack of support are ignored or pushed down. Only until what seems like an insignificant interaction, often between you and your child, comes out as intense anger followed by a surge of guilt with phrases in your mind, “Why did I lose it over something so small?” When in reality, you’ve been experiencing the shadow emotions of irritability, frustration, and exhaustion, ignoring these feelings until you’re forced to deal with them, now in the form of anger, followed by incredible guilt for losing control of your emotions.
Here is what I know two decades into being a therapist and just shy of that as a mom of four daughters — motherhood is an emotional journey, not only with our children but within ourselves. And there are a lot of amazing emotions as well as shadow emotions throughout your mothering journey. Being a mother will stir up all of those places inside yourself you may have ignored or forgotten about, whether past pain and suffering, or insecurity and fear, bringing all of it to the surface front and center, and often in unexpected ways throughout motherhood.
By not being more open about shadow emotions, mothers can feel unequipped, isolated and overwhelmed with their emotions, doubting their skills, abilities, and competency to be good at mothering.
What I want to say to these mamas is you are not alone, we all experience shadow emotions and shadow moments throughout motherhood. And in these shadow experiences, you’re developing the wisdom, which many of us learn through experience, that motherhood is a very emotional journey, and we are not defined by shadow emotions, nor do we have to act on them.
Instead of being afraid of or judging ourselves for experiencing shadow emotions, I want mamas to embrace and prepare for the emotions that will be experienced throughout motherhood. And that doesn't mean a mama is failing or isn't good enough. Shadow emotions are part of the landscape of motherhood, sometimes like sitting on the beach watching waves come to shore, other times like rocky terrain, and sometimes like driving through fog. But whatever the shadow emotion experienced is, in motherhood, it creates a chance to learn about yourself, grow, heal, and connect with yourself and your children.
And here's the thing, our children, they're going to experience a lot of shadow emotions as well. We can’t expect our children to navigate them on their own and how can we help them with their feelings if we aren't able to take care of and understand our own?
Shadow emotions don’t have to dim the happiness and joy in motherhood; instead, what they can do is show us the places we need to take more care of in our emotional health. Embracing our shadow emotions with curiosity, compassion, and an open, nonjudgmental mind is the first step to creating a path of calm, joy, and confidence to thrive in motherhood.
If you’d like to learn more about how to manage the shadow emotions in motherhood — sadness, worry, anxiety, insecurity, loneliness, disgust, embarrassment, and shame — from a mom of four and a psychologist, check out the author's new book Mama, You Are Enough: How to Create Calm, Joy and Confidence Within the Chaos of Motherhood.
