My alarm goes off. I can’t move. I am so, so tired. My body is not cooperating. But then I remember that the baby will wake up if I don’t turn the alarm off. I quickly shut my phone off. Phew, the baby is still asleep in her crib in our bedroom. Oh, yeah, NOW she sleeps… not so much last night, when she was up every two hours.
Time to pump. I drag myself out of bed and pump breast milk, then get my 7-year-old up to get ready.
Only then does my husband’s alarm go off
He does not wake up fast enough to avoid waking up the baby. Now I’m trying to show and get ready with the baby awake. Luckily, her little sister is a helper!
I shower, get dressed, give my older daughter instructions, feed her breakfast, get the baby dressed, and hastily pack two lunches. All of this I complete so I can walk out the door before my husband leaves.
His job during this time of day? Get himself up and ready. That’s it.
And that’s on a normal school day
Now, imagine it’s the first day of school. As the mom, it’s also my job to take the pictures, post them to the appropriate social media, help choose my daughter’s first day outfit, and spend extra time on her hair so the pictures look good. Oh, and I’m supposed to look presentable as well.
Back to school time is a magical time – as an educator, I’ve always believed that. A new school year always brings the most wonderful possibilities. Out of the summer doldrums at last, kids are guaranteed socialization and brain stimulation daily. But so much of the burden of this season often falls on the female in the relationship.
I’ve found a phrase that I believe accurately describes the way scenarios like this make me feel: MOM RAGE.
Mom rage occurs when it feels like the family cannot function without your constant vigilance
Even if your kids are doing chores, you have to be watching to make sure they finish them, or don’t do such a terrible job that you have to clean up after their clean up. Even if Dad is going to take them to soccer practice, you have to get their bag ready and make sure the practice clothes are clean. Then you stand in the kitchen and wonder how life came to be this way.
When school starts, moms manage the calendar, working through transportation, activities, sports practices, weekend tournaments, play dates, and their own work schedules. For dads… honestly, what really changes?
Of course, this isn’t true for every family. However, it seems commonplace enough and tends to occur along gender lines. The big breakdown is in communication; one parent thinks that the other has everything handled, so why would they offer to help? The other is seething in silence because they feel taken advantage of.
It’s time to make the hidden process we go through visible
I try to make a point of telling my husband all the things I did during the day to make life happen. Honestly, I don’t think he knows, or doesn’t fully understand the mental effort and emotional labor required to align all the moving parts of our lives. This has resulted in some good conversations where I was easily able to hand off some things for him to do that didn’t require my attention anymore.
We also have to give ourselves grace. So our kids’ school pictures weren’t perfect. Social media paints a picture of a world that does not exist. If you forget to pack your kid’s lunch and they have to suffer through crispito day, the universe is not going to explode. So moms, hats off to you during this busy time of year, and don’t forget to BREATHE!
