Becoming a mom changes the game quite a bit when you're making new friends. When I had my son, I was the first of my family and friends to have a child — and that felt lonely. I couldn't wait for more of the people in my life to have little children so we could talk about feeding schedules, sleep schedules and poop.
In the meantime, I set off to make some mom friends and I soon discovered there were rules if you wanted to belong to certain mom cliques. Honestly, it was exhausting. Before long, I didn't want to play anymore because I couldn't keep up with it all while weeding through the fakeness being a mom brings out in some people.
My kids are going to screw up
I am going to screw up even more. They are going to sneak cookies and try and cut their own hair and throw things when they get mad.
This doesn't mean I don't give them consequences for their actions but it does mean I need to surround myself with other parents who are just as open about their kids' assholery as they are about them learning to potty train in under two weeks or being the star of the basketball team.
I once had a mom friend who loved to point out when my kids were messing up or being rude, but failed to believe me when I mentioned her kid was throwing rocks at me and my kids. (When I asked him to stop, he stared at me and threw one more.)
Silly me, I thought this would bring us closer together
But she cringed when I said, "See, your kids can be jerks too! It's OK! Let's get a pretzel the size of our head and talk about how hard this is!"
I wasn't making a big deal out of it or tattling, I just happen to come from team "Please tell me if my kid is being an asshole," so I felt I should return the favor. Needless to say, our friendship ended shortly thereafter and I realized not every mom out there wants to be real.
If we're honest, motherhood is wonderful, but it's also the heaviest mental load you will ever carry — and, no, not every day feels like a gift.
It's easy to talk about your successes as a parent and there's nothing wrong with sharing, but I need to be able to call another mom and say, "I feel like I am losing my shit today and I need to get away from my child."
I need to know you're going to get it
I need to know you are not going to turn your nose up at me, or run to tell Janet about my horrible parenting skills, if I let my kids have a Lunchable. Or have their way with their iPad for a few hours every once in a while instead of making organic play dough with them.
I want to hear about how hard your day was and how you are at your wits' end — how there is no way you are volunteering for the PTA because you are barely slogging through work and family life, and another committment would bring you to the brink.
Yes, this is partly because it makes me feel better about myself and my struggles, but I also want to be that person you can come to as your less-than-perfect self and not feel like you have to wear a mask for fear I won't be your friend.
The last time I checked, if you have to censor yourself around someone and feel you can only talk about all the positive things in life and how awesomely amazing motherhood is, that's not a true friendship.
Being a parent is hard enough
You shouldn't have to feel like you are being judged or crucified by people you call your friends. If you think you need to be a certain way — or if you think your kids need to be a certain way — to stay in your circle, get a new circle.
There are plenty of moms out there who would be more than happy to discuss mediocre test scores, that pregnancy weight they can't lose and the fact their child won't stop wiping boogers on their headboard (despite the fact they have a box of tissues next to their head every night).
Don't stop looking until you find them. It's worth it, I promise.
