Feeling loved as a girlfriend is much different than feeling loved after you have kids. The way that people feel loved varies from person to person and season to season. The “five love languages” that Gary Chapman outlines in his book of the same name are words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
According to the book, Chapman believes that everyone has a primary love language and a secondary love language. These are the ways that we feel loved by our partner. This is a pretty well-established concept, but how about when you have kids? Many things change, including your expectations of your partner. Along with that, you may change how you think of being loved.
The evolution of your relationship is something that is constantly in motion
While we were dating, I was impressed by gifts. My birthday and Christmas were big events for me, and I enjoyed opening presents. I was like this my entire life until I had kids. I blame my birthday for being so close to Christmas and the plethora of combo gifts. I seemed to have a complex about my birthday that I lost once I had kids. Their gifts are far more important than anything I could wish for me. I enjoy presents now through them.
My husband would bring flowers when we were dating and impress me with presents. Having kids makes me view flowers and other gifts as a waste of money. This is the money that we now need for the house, the kids, or savings. Spending it on random gifts would no longer sit well with me. I would instead do something else with it.
Expectations when you are dating and when you are married with kids are very different.
I have completely let go of the expectation of presents and realized my primary love language now is acts of service
Helping me out around the house, giving me a break from the kids, cooking meals for the week, and cleaning the kitchen are far more valuable than any physical gift I could receive. The gift of time is a high priority for a writer and as a mom. I get the time I need to work and the time that I need to relax. Recharging and taking time for yourself is something that moms lack. We do not get enough time for much of anything.
Words of affirmation is another area for me
When my husband voices appreciation for something that I’ve done, I feel proud and seen. I feel like my work is recognized and important. Whether this is hustling to get work done or cleaning around the house, this appreciation of what I do is invaluable, along with the “I love you’s.”
The bar may be set differently when it comes to feeling loved and appreciated, but that comes with feeling secure in a relationship.
My love languages still exist, but the things he does to meet them have changed
I do not need constant validation like I did when we were dating, but it is still helpful to do kind things and say kind things to each other. Remember your love languages, but realize that kids being added into the mix will affect your needs and how you feel loved, and that’s OK.
