Every episode of the new podcast Splitting Upward has tugged at my insides. However, this last episode was my favorite, hands down. If you or someone you know is going through a divorce, you have to listen — it touches on something that was a huge struggle for me, and until I heard it I had no idea what I was actually struggling with.
Amy Bellgardt, the voice behind Mom Spark, goes deep about the loss of identity you experience after divorce. I listened to her talk about how when your role as a wife is taken away, it can leave a huge void and make you question so many things about yourself. It was a huge lightbulb moment for me. It made me get real about the fact that something had been missing in my life since my divorce, even though it has been amicable and my ex and I still get along.
I've been filling the space of no longer being of wife with staying busy and not allowing myself to slow down long enough to learn to lean into my new role as a single mother.
I work a lot. I schedule a lot of social activities for my kids. I clean all the damn time and work out like I never have before. If we don't have plans for a Saturday afternoon, I start to panic. Now I know why: My identity has changed and I'm trying to run away from it.
Of course I love having control of the thermostat and buying whatever I want at Target without having to consult with another person. But since my ex moved out, there's been something missing and it's caused quite a bit of anxiety.
I didn't even realize what it was until Amy was taking about how you are so settled into being a wife, you don't even realize the space it occupies. I used to make my husband's dentist and doctor appointments. I did all the laundry, grocery shopping, and his clothes shopping. I was there when he started his business and supported him emotionally in any way I could. I was a sounding board when he had a stressful day. I always made his favorite dinners and cookies, and made sure the house was up to par when his family came to visit.
You can not want to be married any longer, but still feel longing to be someone's partner.
I liked doing this. I enjoyed being a wife. It made me feel like I had purpose and meaning. I never thought about what its absence would feel like when he moved out because we were in agreement that it was the best decision for our family.
Instead of worrying about if he had enough pairs of jeans, I was worried about paying all the bills on time. Instead of making his favorite pie for Sunday dinner, I was trying to get the broken garage door repaired. I was busy and stressed to say the least, but I was still missing being a wife. Instead of realizing that I was trying to do whatever I could to get the feeling being a wife gave me.
You can not want to be married any longer, but still feel longing to be someone's partner. Those feelings don't dissolve when you sign your divorce papers. They linger and sneak up on you when you least expect it.
For me, one of my hardest days was when I went to get a watch repaired and the man who had cleaned my wedding rings for so long asked me if I was getting them repaired. Little did he know they were camping out in my dresser drawer when I'd put them two months before. I liked the way my left hand looked without them — it was a reminder that my future was a blank slate.
But in that moment, I wanted to be a wife more than anything. It felt like missing your mother when you're sick — even though if you stayed with her every day, she'd drive you nuts.
The healing that happens after divorce takes time. There are so many setbacks, twists, and turns.
Rediscovering yourself and figuring out how to go on as a non-wife takes its toll. It doesn't happen overnight and you have to realize it's going to be a tough hill to climb.
The good news, as Amy reminds us: It is doable, you are capable, and if you can master this, just think of how unstoppable you really are.
Listen to Episode 8 of Splitting Upward:
