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This year’s Thanksgiving will be like no other celebration in living memory. For one thing, a third wave of the coronavirus pandemic has resulted in millions of Americans choosing to stay home and hold their family gatherings online.
Then you have the aftermath of this month’s presidential election, which was the culmination of four years of political turmoil that has been a source of tension within families since the last presidential election. So what can we expect this Thanksgiving, post election?
Thanksgiving after the election: Avoiding conflict
California mom Laurel Evans will be dining at home with her husband and kids while Zooming with aunts, uncles, and grandparents — all of whom voted differently.
“They will, I’m sure, continue not to speak to us just as they have for the past four years,” she told Mom.com. She said there will likely be no mention of the election. “Still, they’re family and we’ll keep treating them as such,” she said.
Laurie Anderson reports that avoidance is the way her Texas family deals with the political elephant at the table. “We all know where everyone stands and we ALL go into a bubble of denial like there was never an election,” she told Mom.com.
“Four years ago, my adult nephews and I knew we were on the opposite side of their dad, and except for a few snarky comments and giggles during a game of dominos — never said a word.”
Political conversation topics: Choose carefully
“Politics is a particularly raw subject right now, so I agree that no one should talk about politics itself this particular Thanksgiving,” Karen Tibbals, author of “Persuade, Don’t Preach: Restoring Civility Across the Political Divide,” told Mom.com.
“But what we can talk about are the values that are important to us; the values that lead to our choice of political leaders and political parties. I’m hoping that we’ll come to understand each other more and appreciate each other more if we can do so. And that we can change the conversation,” she said.
Tibbals suggests that you take the time to think about the values that you and your family members share (i.e., their pride in being an American, or their feelings about equality and fairness). And then, tap into your own curiosity and think of questions you might ask them.
“Ask the questions you’ve prepared. And listen. Listen with a new ear, one that is attuned to the values you’ve uncovered. Express appreciation that the other person is telling you what’s important to them and — if you can — tell them you admire them for having these values. Tell them the ways that you use the same values. Don’t try to convince anyone of anything. This is plenty for one day — a day that is supposed to be an important and enjoyable family holiday. And of course, only do this if you really care about the people you’re talking to and can do it without getting upset,” she said.
7 Thanksgiving conversation strategies for a smooth event
“Make a plan for navigating the meal and have a goal for your relationships,” clinical psychologist Nicole Issa advised Mom.com. “If need be, make a rule to not have further political discussions or make a family agreement not to discuss politics at all.”
Nicole offered the following tips for getting through the meal without turning it into World War III:
- Remind yourself that everyone is entitled to their opinion and that just because someone’s opinion differs from yours doesn’t mean they wish you harm or don’t care about you
- If there is a conversation that goes awry, gently try to redirect away from it
- Have some other conversation topics in mind that are benign and will keep all occupied
- Count to ten and breathe. Practice mindfulness and count flowers in the wallpaper or rolls in a basket. Focus on the taste of food. Count how many times you are chewing each bite. Count your breath.
- Limit alcohol use and be mindful of its impact on your behavior and thinking. If you have had something to drink, remind yourself that your reaction to whatever your family member is saying may be intensified by the alcohol
- Physiology directly impacts emotions just as emotions impact physiology, so keep an open posture, unclench your firsts, try not to scowl. Body language is a major way to communicate your emotions to others, and will lead to you communicating to others that you are calm and receptive rather than hostile and defensive.
- Remind yourself that this is just one day to get through and the holidays and such intense family time is temporary. Above all else, try to have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.