Mud is slinging right and left. And it’s getting all over our perfectly side-parted hairstyles. The war on skinny jeans and side parts was waged against us millennials by you oh-so-superior Gen Z-ers — the same kiddos who brought us fashion faux-pas like crop-tops and Crocs.
It’s intensifying, and to be frank, we don’t really care
Who made you the authority on fashion and hair trends anyway? Do you even do your own laundry or buy your own hairbrushes? I don’t think so. And you do realize that middle parts make you look like Dwight Schrute, right? Can some girls pull it off? Sure. But we can’t all be Billie Eilish. Keeping up with those lime green roots would be impossible.
Listen, little ladies, with your TikTok dances and wide leg jeans: we’ve been around the block, okay? We survived Y2K AND Gangnam Style. We played the PC version of The Sims and owned pink Nokia Razr cell phones. You’ve got nothing on us.
Oh, and on top of all of that, we are currently trying to raise our own kids during an unprecedented global pandemic, you know the kids that we pushed out of our ancient bodies just so they could learn cool stuff like how to eat Tide pods from you Gen Z babies?
Let’s talk about skinny jeans
First of all, they’re amazing. They come in tons of different washes and flatter every body type under the sun. The best part is that skinny jeans accentuate our womanly curves in all the right places (something most of you know nothing about just yet). They make our legs look like they go on for days and most recently, even have super high waists, which suck everything in and make us look like modern-day Naomi Campbells. Oh, you don’t know who that is? That’s because you’re infants.
Skinny jeans are comfortable, flattering, and versatile. Meanwhile, you all are over here wearing “mom jeans” in an ironic way. What even is that? Don’t make me laugh. You might cause me to post a cry laugh emoji, which also apparently makes me seem ancient to you teenyboppers.
We’ve served our time
We already made it out of the darkness of our teenage years. We wrote our papers, read our books, and studied for our exams. We got our hearts broken. We made friends. We lost friends. We learned all the lyrics to our favorite pop songs and belted them at the tops of our lungs in our very first cars. We found ourselves and lost ourselves over and over again, and still we keep trying, despite our supposedly out-of-touch style choices.
We’re older and wiser and more sure of ourselves — which may not sound exciting to you now, but trust me, is one of the best parts of getting older.
You know what the saddest part is?
Millennials know that we aren’t really all that different from you. And maybe you know that, too. Something that we’ve learned, from our centuries of experience, is that we are stronger together. We’re all women. We’re all just trying to make our way in the world, to keep growing and working toward loving ourselves and the people around us. Does it really matter how far over the parts of our hair go or what type of denim we choose to cover our butts with? We don’t think so.
You can feel how you feel, as you are entitled to that much, but know this. There is another way. We could put an end to TikTok shaming. Honestly, every millennial in existence knows we don’t belong on that app anyway. We are on your side (part). Insert cry laugh emoji here. When it comes down to it, we all put our jeans on one leg at a time, whether they’re skinny or not.
