If you have a child who is moving into their preschool years, you’ve very likely received a daycare or school flyer. The special events, like Muffins with Mom, Donuts with Dad, or Bring-a-Grandparent, come up multiple times a year. Kids are encouraged to bring the designated adult for some school or daycare fun — however, there’s a dark side to these invites.
Many kids do not have a mom, a dad, and/or a grandparent to bring to such special events
We’ve known this for eight years, when Pew Research reported that nearly half of all children living in the US reside with a “traditional” family. A traditional family is defined in their research as “two married heterosexual parents in their first marriage.” Their research showed that 46% of kids live in a traditional family — which means a whopping 54% do not.
The grandparent, dad, and mom events favor the minority — and even then, it’s extremely privileged to have a mom, dad, or grandparent who can attend a middle-of-the-day school event. After all, people have jobs. Taking off jobs means either using a vacation day, calling in “sick,” or for some, losing pay.
Also, think about the fact that an invite for Muffins With Mom neglects the fact that some children are being raised by two same-sex parents. I have yet to see a flyer that shares: Muffins With Mom(s). The reality is, these invitations are fairly exclusive — lacking inclusivity for kids with non-traditional families, lower-income families, and others.
I know some of you are thinking, Why kill the fun? If some kids enjoy these events, why cancel them for the benefit of other students who don’t have an adult to bring? We can’t accommodate every single child and family structure. You may also be thinking, It’s just a few hours of the parent’s time. What’s the big deal?
Please consider that the traditional family isn’t what it used to be, and that’s both OK and the reality
Parents don’t always marry, while some single-parent. Many kids are being raised by foster parents, step-parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles, and even older siblings.
I appreciate that some childcare centers and schools have adapted these events to encourage a child to bring a “special adult” instead of a specific person. However, this step fails to acknowledge that some (maybe even most) of these special adults cannot miss work. Not all adults have transportation — often relying on the school or daycare’s bussing to get their child where they need to be.
I’m all for each child’s special adult or adults being encouraged to participate in their child’s care or school experience. However, it’s high time to ditch the show-up-to-this-cutesy-named-event-in-the-middle-of-a-weekday business. They inevitably set up some kids to feel left out, embarrassed, or even ashamed. Likewise, they leave teachers or leaders scrambling to comfort those children.
There are other ways adults can be involved, such as sending in items to the classroom (when affordable), working with the child once they get home (such as on a worksheet, reading together, etc.), and staying in communication with the teacher or leader on how the child is doing. There have been times I’ve asked my child’s teacher what I can do to help — from home — and have taken on collating and stapling packets for the classroom or cutting out bulletin board materials. I’m able to send these items back to my child’s school in their backpack and do it after work hours.
Like every parent, I want to show up for my kids — in all the big and small ways
However, I’m very mindful that there’s a limited few parents, grandparents, or guardians who can attend middle-of-the-day, bring-a-relative events. The reality is that as our kids’ caregivers, we show up for our kids every day. We don’t need an exclusive event to do this, especially not when it causes so much hardship and sadness for others.
