My ex-boyfriend was the first man I introduced to my kids after my divorce. I knew they would love him; he was funny, laid-back, and wanted to meet my kids just as much as they wanted to meet him.
I was in love and thought there was a real chance we’d be together for a long time. I had been divorced for two years prior to meeting him, and I had dated enough to know he was special enough to meet my children.
They all got along instantly
After that first meeting, there was hardly any awkwardness between them. I didn’t worry if I was busy doing something while he was here. He took them out to lunch and liked to spoil them, and they all had a group chat going (that I wasn’t a part of) where they’d plan out Christmas and Mother’s Day gifts for me.
We’d been together for over a year when I realized he had a compulsive drinking and gambling problem.
This was tricky for me because I’d never been with anyone who had issues like this
Basically, he’d go months without doing either, then he’d go off the deep end and gamble away thousands and drink so much he’d make horrible decisions.
When I confronted him about it, he admitted that he had issues and said he could control them. He told me that he didn’t want to lose me and that he’d stop these destructive habits. And he would. But after a few months, he’d start back up again.
My kids are all teenagers and they could see what was going on
At first, I didn’t tell them about what was happening. I felt like I could handle it, and I didn’t know the extent of his issues. Then, he got an OUI (Operating While Under the Influence — of alcohol or other chemical substances) and lost his driver’s license for almost a year because he was so intoxicated he couldn’t perform the breathalyzer test and was rude to the cop who pulled him over.
I felt I should end the relationship even though I didn’t want to. He promised (yet again) this was really it for him and that he would live the rest of his life as a sober man. I talked to my friends and family about it. They told me everyone deserves a second chance and maybe this would be a turning point in his life.
I knew I couldn’t hide what had happened from my kids though
I explained what happened, and he apologized to them over and over. He promised them he’d be “a better man and he wouldn’t let them down.”
Well, that only lasted until he got his license back and started drinking again. I knew I couldn’t live this life. I didn’t want to have to deal with something like this and manage his drinking and gambling when I had three kids to raise.
But I stayed with him for a few more months for two reasons: I really wanted him to turn things around.
And more than that, I didn’t know how my kids were going to take the breakup
In the end, I want my kids to know what a healthy relationship looked like, and ours was turning toxic, fast. I knew they’d miss him, but that would be nothing compared with the resentment they might develop for me if I stayed. I didn’t know how to be with him and not be invested in his health and habits.
When I finally ended things, my kids were sad. They are still sad. He was a part of their lives for three years, and they can feel the void he left. While they still talk to him via text once in a while, they don’t see one another.
He’s asked to see them a few times and I said no
I need some space from him in order to move forward. This is a tough thing to navigate. I know in my heart I am doing the right thing, but I know my kids won’t see that until they are older.
To them, there was someone fun who cared about them in their lives, and then one day, he was gone and it was because of me. They say they understand why I had to do what I did, but I know it doesn’t make it less hard on them.
I didn’t end my relationship because I fell out of love and didn’t want him in my life. I ended it because he wasn’t good for my life — for our lives.
And now everyone is hurting
I may not navigate this the right way, but at least I can show my kids that there are times when you have to end something for the good of your family and your mental health, even if your heart hasn’t caught up with your head.
