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Being a new parent can often be an isolating experience. There are so many questions, uncertainties, and firsts that it can be helpful to make friends who are experiencing these firsts with you. Something about shared suffering (almost like hazing) that builds bonds for life! For many parents, mom groups or playgroups can be just the lifesaver they need.
But despite all these good reasons to join a mommy group, for many other parents there are just as many reasons to avoid them like the plague. This article will explore whether or not you really need to join a parent group.
What is a mommy group?
At its basic core, a mommy group is literally a group of moms who meet. Despite its gendered name, many such groups are open to all parents regardless of gender. Of course, if you are in a marginalized community, it would be wise to check if there are certain groups to steer clear of.
These groups can be great places to meet people who have children your age or have shared beliefs. These parents can become good friends or a source of support throughout your parenting and life journey. The groups can have membership dues or be free and can meet in public spaces, private homes, or other locations.
For many parents, it’s comforting to be in a community where people are going through similar life stages. Plus, more experienced parents can often be a source of answers for the questions you may have. Although, there can be a lot of debate just how reliable some of that advice is.
“Be careful of any medical advice you receive ,” said pediatrician Steph Lee, MD. “The best thing is to ask questions, consider the answers from multiple sides, and if there seems to be a lot of conflicting information, make a note to ask your pediatrician.”
Mom groups near me: What to look for
Depending on your area, you can find parent groups organized through hospitals, through breastfeeding associations, local mom organizations, or places of worship. You can even join online-only parenting groups — but that does make it a little more difficult to meet up in person.
Here are a few essential qualities you may want in your parenting group:
Structure and people in charge
This is particularly true if the group collects dues, but make sure there is a hierarchy or at least a person in charge for when conflict inevitably arise.
“Whether online or in person, be sure it is organized with a ‘moderator’ in place to handle disagreements and provide structure and community care needs,” Nevada-based social worker Melanie Rhee, LCSW, told Mom.com.
You may not need much official structure if there are only a few of you gathering casually, but know that these duties do often fall on one person's shoulders.
The demographics reflect you
This is especially important if you identify as a historically oppressed person, such as POC or LGBTQIA+. “Join groups where at least some of the people ‘look’ like you. This can filter for microaggressions and provide a layer of protection,” added Rhee. “If the group feels uncomfortable, trust your gut, leave, and seek support somewhere else.”
The space feels like an affirming community
Because parenthood can often feel as if you’re cut off from the rest of society, spaces that are welcoming and affirming of who you and your family are as people can be a soothing balm.
"Identity has a powerful intersectionality with mental health, so it's important for one's well-being to be part of groups that understand how culture plays a role in parenting,"Jeanie Y. Chang, LMFT, CMHIMP, CCTP, told Mom.com. "Plus, POC groups tend to share how they're navigating cultural conflict with family, in-laws, interracial marriage, etc., which, again, can provide a safe space for new parents to share their struggles or questions, knowing that there isn't judgment."
Why you might not need (or want) a traditional mommy group
Despite all the benefits of a community of parents who can live life with you in the trenches, some folks aren’t too keen on them. Don’t let anyone shame you into joining a mommy group. Like all things in life, it’s a personal choice.
Some of the reasons for not wanting or needing a traditional parenting group include:
You already have a good support system
If you are already surrounded by a community in a similar life stage, you might not feel the need to meet new people.
You don’t have the bandwidth
Alternatively, you might not have the emotional or social bandwidth to socialize and navigate a new social group, which comes with all the cons of any social group but without any history of love and friendship.
In addition, if you are a minority, you may find the emotional labor too burdensome.
“I dislike being in the minority, and being Facebook friends with them created rifts based on views I wouldn't see displayed in the group — such as racism,” mom of two Jess Nichelle told us. “Race has become the elephant in the room, and at one point I was trying to educate. But I'm exhausted, so I withdrew.”
You can’t find a group that aligns with your core beliefs
While we can’t expect a group’s members to be exactly in line with your personal beliefs, it can be particularly awful to be in a group where no one is like you. Especially in the age of COVID-19, it may be difficult to find groups who are taking the same precautions as you are.
