One of the first things that crept into my mind when my ex-husband and I decided to divorce was the holidays. I couldn’t stomach the thought of not being with them during all those special times like Halloween, Thanksgiving, New Year’s, Christmas, and so on.
I had to face something since I was now a co-parent and my kids having time and a relationship with their dad was the most important thing.
I was going to have to change my mindset
There were going to be days and times he got to be with them when I wanted to be with the. This included major holidays as well as other days we had special traditions like Christmas Eve and our annual trip to the Chinese Buffet with the family the night before Thanksgiving.
By doing this one thing it became easier than I thought it would be
I realized I could celebrate certain holidays, and do some of our traditions with them on any day of the year. If I couldn’t be with them on Halloween, we could have a pizza party and watch scary movies on a different night.
If their dad’s day fell on Thanksgiving, I could cook a Thanksgiving dinner and invite my family over the night before or the night after. If I couldn’t be with them on Christmas, we would celebrate it in the coming week while they were on vacation.
The actual holiday is only a date on the calendar.
And while there have still been some times that are really hard to not be with my kids, I remind myself that spending time together and following through with the traditions will still happen. The only difference is it will take place on a different day.
On the special evenings or days when are with their dad and I know I will be by myself if I feel like I am going to have a hard time, I make plans.
Sometimes that means calling a friend to get together, sometimes that means scheduling myself a massage.
And sometimes that means getting a good book to read or saving a show to binge watch after I make my favorite meal and light lots of candles.
Anything you can do to brighten your spirits will completely take the edge off.
We need to be mindful of how we’re framing our time during the holidays
Putting my kids’ happiness and well-being first also means never making them feel guilty for being away on certain days. It also means trying to cheer them up if they are struggling with the changes, especially during the holidays.
I want them to remember what this time of year is about and if I am down in the dumps about it, it might completely ruin it for them. I never want them to feel like they have to choose between me and their father.
The truth is, it’s a lot easier for him and me to come to an agreement about how special days and holidays will be spent and put some of our personal feelings aside than it is to get our kids caught in our crossfire.
That’s damage we can’t undo.
So, if you are a co-parent and dread the upcoming holidays, I can promise you this ...
If you still follow through with all your special plans and simply rearrange the days on which you do them to accommodate the co-parenting schedule, everyone will win.
And you know what? The time you spend on yourself while your kids are with your ex is pretty special too.
