Who says it's wrong for a sleep-deprived mother of two, hopped up on cold medicine and hot toddies, to start having sexual fantasies about cartoon characters? For years, men have lusted over Jessica Rabbit (and she's married to a rabbit!).
So instead of letting my eyes glaze over while the twins watched their favorite shows, this mom decided to seek out the top candidates for animation domination. Is this a side effect of seasonal affective disorder, or am I just a sick person? I'm not sure, but if you're still reading this, you have to admit that you're strangely intrigued.
Read on.
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Caillou's Dad – OK, Boris may be a truly awful dresser (a green sweater with red loafers?). But somehow, you can just tell that he would be a kind and patient lover. Plus, he's Canadian, which is always sexy (Keanu Reeves could play him in a live-action film).
Sid the Science Kid's Dad – Sid's dad Mort is a down-to-earth guy, not afraid to get his hands dirty or to don overalls. He has a sassy wife, who you just know he probably throws up against the wall, reenacting the Al Pacino/Ellen Barkin sex scenes from "Sea of Love." Am I the only one who thinks this? Maybe.
Dora's Dad – Dora's dad is rockin' the sexy 'stache (he would totally be on Bristlr). And you know Papi'd be a really good listener in the bedroom. For example, if he came up for air to ask you how he was doing, he'd wait like a really, really long time for you to fill in your response. ("Good answering! I like that part, too!")
The Man in the Yellow Hat – Ted Shackleford (yes, apparently that's his name) has an apartment in the city and a country house, which means he'd take you (and his monkey) on holiday. The whole dressing like a giant banana is clearly a phallic symbol. Yes, Ted, we want to touch your monkey. "Liebe meine Abschminke!"
The Cat in the Hat – Just like your high-school boyfriend, the Cat sneaks into your house when your mother is not home and causes mayhem. He can balance a fishbowl on an umbrella, and he drives a Thingamajigger. If you're into that sort of thing. The Cat in the Hat is definitely a bad boy. Your mother will not mind.
Handy Manny – He's "handy," he dresses like the construction worker from the Village People and he's voiced by Wilmer Valderrama. With tools named "Stretch" and "Squeeze," this cartoon is one step away from straight-up porn.
Sir Topham Hatt – Known as the Fat Controller, like most tightly wound businessmen, Sir Hatt has a taste for kink that his wife, the prim Lady Hatt, is surely not indulging. But beware—the things you'll see and do on the island of Sodor won't be easy to forget.
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Mr. Grouper – An adventurous, dedicated educator for energetic little bubble guppies, he likely also has a couple of lessons he can show you on his waterbed. If you can get past his girth, Mr. Grouper is no doubt a caring, tender and highly animated partner.
