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The holidays are here. Of course, you’re excited to celebrate the time with family and friends. But as a single parent who shares custody, there can be a lot of stress that pops up as well. Co-parenting during the holidays can be challenging. We’ve compiled these holiday co-parenting tips to help you get through the upcoming weeks with as little stress as possible.
How to co-parent during the holidays: The schedule is key
Hopefully you and your ex are on good terms. But don’t rely on their holiday spirit to make sure you get the time you deserve with your children. It’s sad, but even the best of co-parenting plans go by the wayside during the holidays.
Create a schedule
Before the holidays start, have a schedule set for how the days are split. Sit down with your ex and talk about who gets the kids on what days. This likely means that you’re missing some time with your kids on special days, but that is part of the stress of the holiday. Outline any changes to the normal custody schedule. Look at what holidays fall within the season and plan for them. If your situation is like mine was, you have to account for Hanukkah too, which can disrupt the schedule even further. Lay out what days are most important to you and be willing to sacrifice some time so your ex has adequate time to enjoy the holidays with the kids as well.
But it is also important to remain flexible. “If your co-parent has a special event they would like to attend with your children, be flexible. Holiday gatherings and moments shared with loved ones will be remembered for years to come; so do your best to ensure these memories are good ones,” attorney Sabrina Shaheen shared with Mom.com.
Put the schedule in writing
When stressful times exist in a co-parenting schedule, it’s best to have the time allotted in writing so that everyone is on the same page. I had a very specific schedule set in my divorce custody order. I got Christmas Eve and Christmas Day while my ex got Hanukkah. While these rarely overlap, I recall one year early on when Hanukkah fell on Christmas Day. This created a lot of conflict over who had the right to the day. After a lot of back and forth, we agreed to split the day. When it came to days like New Years, we alternated them every year so that I got odd years and my ex got even years.
Co-parenting holiday tips
You’ll find that compromise is the common theme when it comes to co-parenting during the holidays. Here are some specific tips to keep in mind as you go through the season.
Agree on a budget
It can be hard when one parent decides to spend an outlandish amount of money on the kids during the holidays and the other parent might not have the means to do so. This can sway kids’ opinions of who they want to spend the holidays with. After all, if you can only afford to spend $100 on gifts and your ex goes crazy with $500 worth of toys, this can put your holiday in a bad light. Talk to your ex and set a budget for gifts and even talk about what gifts each other will give. This prevents duplicate gifts and keeps the kids’ expectations on track to enjoy the season while getting gifts they’ll enjoy.
Set clear boundaries
During the holidays, your children will likely spend time with friends and family. Be sure that they know not to discuss your ex in a negative light during the festivities. “Disparagement of any kind should never be allowed,” noted Shaheen. Keep those conversations and possible frustrations at bay and save them for a time when the kids aren’t around. It’s important that the kids understand that both parents love them and they have a right to enjoy holidays with both parents and families.
Co-parenting tips: Dealing with the unexpected
No matter how well you plan ahead, there will likely be unexpected situations that come up. Remember to communicate concerns and be flexible with your stance.
Accept that there are things that you can’t control
There are things during the holidays that you can’t control. Winter colds and flu are among these. You may need to alter your plans to accommodate sick children. You may also need to discuss with your ex your concerns about large gatherings where the kids may be exposed to COVID. At the end of the day, know that you can’t control what your ex does during his time. You won’t be able to force him to forgo a particular party or event just because you are concerned about COVID when he isn’t. Take a deep breath and educate your kids on safe practices such as wearing their masks and washing their hands frequently.
Dealing with missed custody time
You can have the best-laid plans, but the reality is that some ex-spouses will do what they want during the holidays. This can mean that you have a missed custody exchange. I can speak from experience that this is infuriating.
This is why having the plan outlined in a court order is important. “If you have a custody agreement in place and it’s not adhered to during the holidays, it is contempt of court. Judges will not take that lightly. Fines and jail time come with it,” Jennifer Darnell, a mom who shares custody, explained to Mom.com.
Keep in mind that it can be tricky to get the police and courts involved during the holidays, and having an officer show up can certainly make for a bad experience for your children. Talk to your attorney about the best course of action to ensure that you get your time, bad behavior gets punished, but that your kids are able to enjoy the season as best they can.
