My husband does quite a few things that drive me crazy. But as part of a 30-day Kindness Challenge I attempted earlier this year, I was required to consider the good that might come from these things and then compliment him. Through the challenge, I was reminded of something important – that my husband does quite a few things that continually amaze me.
So for Father’s Day, I thought I’d do the kindness exercise again. But this time, I'm considering the things he does as a father, and the good that has come from it – not just for my girls and our family, but for me personally, and for everyone we come into contact with. Here are five life lessons I’ve learned from watching my husband be a dad.
1. You can solve more problems by getting silly than by getting angry
Kids do things that make you mad sometimes. Adults do it, too. What works better than yelling? Getting silly! My 7-year-old was mid-tantrum the other day when my husband said to her in his sternest, most authoritative voice: “Karis, come here… I want to tickle you!” And I watched as her kicking and screaming turned to giggles. Scrunchy faces, silly voices, and punny jokes have also de-escalated many tantrums… including my own!
2. Sometimes you have to leave some dirty dishes in the sink
It’s gross, I know. It used to make me so mad when my husband would do this. Or when he’d wash a load of red clothes and refuse to make sure he’d collected every single piece of red clothing. Or when he’d leave any task unfinished or cut short. Until I came to a realization – sometimes there’s only enough time to do some of the dishes. Or to wash some of the reds. Or to complete part of a project, or a workout, or eat healthy, or floss daily, or keep in touch with friends. If my husband was like me and refused to do anything unless it could be done completely and excellently, it’s very likely nothing would ever get done. But he gets things done, because he does what he can, when he can.
That old “all or nothing” adage is a great one to live by if you’re in a season of stepping boldly into new things. But as parents of young kids, that just might not work right now. So call that friend you’ve been wanting to catch up with even though your kids are crawling all over you. Begin that passion project even though you only have 30 minutes left in the two-hour block you had originally set aside. And walk away from that sink even though there are dishes left, because your kids are calling for you to come play.
3. When people hurt you, it might be because they hurt inside
My daughter was 3 when she came home telling us that one of her friends had left her out of an activity at school. My husband wrapped his arms around her and said, “Sometimes when people do mean things, it’s because they hurt inside.” My daughter ended up making a card for that friend, who made a card for her in return… and years later, they are still making cards for each other. Life doesn’t always give back like that, but his words have continued to help us move past hurt and into forgiveness and freedom.
4. If you want something, ask for it. Most of the time, people will give you what you want
My husband has no shame when it comes to asking for things, especially for his girls. Free popcorn, extra slices of pizza (that were only supposed to be for participants in an event they obviously didn’t participate in), company suite tickets to the big game – there’s not much he won’t ask for.
“The worst that can happen is they’ll say no,” he says. And they do. But it doesn’t happen often. And it doesn’t take anything away from him.
What’s been amazing to see is how many doors open simply because we ask. It also makes me wonder how many doors stay closed simply because we don’t. Pride and fear used to tell me to keep quiet. Now I just ask – and I’ve seen all sorts of big dreams become reality. And I love that my girls know that they can do the same, because their daddy has shown them that the desires of their heart are always worth asking for.
5. The best way to build connections with people? Keep showing up
My girls are still at the age where they prefer mommy over daddy. He’ll plan an outing with them, and they’ll whine about not getting to stay with mommy. He’ll try to help the little one out of the car, and she’ll push him away saying, “Only Mommy.” From mealtimes to bathtime to bedtime – they just want mommy.
I worry sometimes about how this affects him – I know I’d be tempted to say, “Fine!” and walk away. But he doesn’t stop pursuing them. He just keeps showing up, keeps staying present, and I know this persistence and faithfulness is building an irreplaceable connection with them that every little girl needs. Because there are things they know mommy doesn’t like to do – like killing spiders, cleaning up shattered glass, and getting iced water from the kitchen when I’m already cozy in bed – they’ll go straight to daddy instead. I know this list will only grow as they get older, and I know that one day, they are going to face things they’ll only want daddy for. And when that day comes, they’ll know he’ll be there, because he’s been there all along.
Sometimes it seems like the way to build connections with people is to get them interested in you, to draw them in by being impressive and accomplished and beautiful. But from what I’ve seen, if you’re trying to build connections with people, whether a reluctant child, a new friend, a distant parent – you just have to keep showing up.
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So thank you, husband, for bringing in silliness when I’m not in the mood. For sometimes only doing some of the dishes. For shamelessly being willing to ask for all sorts of things. For needing to show up to everything. The way you live and parent has helped me live a fuller, freer life, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Thank you.
Day 4 Kindness Challenge completed!
