I can’t remember the last time I felt ahead of the game. I think it was right before I became pregnant — which also happens to coincide with the last time I got a full night’s sleep. I certainly haven’t felt “with it” this year. The frenzied pace and ever-shifting expectations of 2020 find me putting milk in the dishwasher and dirty dishes in the refrigerator.
I'm stuck in a hectic loop convincing myself I've totally got this
When virtual schooling went to the top of my to-do list this school year, I crumpled the list. All other tasks became secondary to keeping my second grader on task. Helping my son focus on his remote learning while trying to stay ahead of dinner times and deadlines kept my brain spinning. Most days I can’t remember if I’ve brushed my teeth. (Nope, not today.)
Lately, in the moments between the helping, the managing, and the wrangling so my crew doesn’t miss out on their lives (or their lunches) feelings of being overwhelmed and even loneliness surface. These feelings make themselves known at the oddest moments: in the middle of checking math homework, when the dog takes me for a walk, or removing the milk from the dishwasher.
The goopy mixture these emotions create reminds me of when my son was a newborn
During my son’s newborn phase, his colic took over my world. Caring for my son kept me awake at all hours and those days and nights bled into one another until I couldn’t remember what day it was. As the weeks drifted on without a break, I was feeling stressed out, but I ignored it. Then one night, I could overlook my pent-up feelings of confusion and fear no longer. I went into the bathroom and sobbed as I’d never done — not even when I watched Beaches for the first time.
Crying alone in the bathroom was the catalyst I needed to learn to take some downtime. Until that moment, I hadn’t understood that it was all right for me to take time to recharge and reconnect so that I could continue connecting with my family. I needed a plan that allowed for some me-time.
2020 has stuck me right back in this strange space
Like those first months with my infant, I’m never alone and always on call. If I try to sneak in “mom time” it’s passed over for homework time, or dinner time, or my own work time. If my kid’s newborn phase taught me anything, it was to listen to those misplaced emotional nudges. If left ignored, they’ll only grow bigger until I burn out.
During the demanding newborn stage, I found coping strategies to support myself. I’ve dusted off these same methods today — like asking my husband to take over so I can walk alone outside (even in the cold). Taking my own time-outs to indulge in quite time staring at the wall or listening to an audiobook allows my brain time decompress from going over daily responsibilities. This helps me step out of the fray and feel less overwhelmed.
This year has been a lot of things
And while I’m still sorting all those things out, I already know I’ve learned once again that I’m at the ready to help my family, but not always there to help myself. It’s a recurring theme in my life as a mom. The thing I forget is, taking time for me not only helps me stay grounded and emotionally balanced, but also keeps my family connected. And that — I’ve totally got.