10 Ways to Bond With Your Mother-in-Law

Marriage and family therapist Lisa Bahar suggests asking your mother-in-law about what her dreams were as a young woman and what she was like at your age so you can understand who she is, aside from your husband’s mother. “Ask to see pictures of her life and find out who she was growing up—specifically what life was like for her up to this point,” she says.

Cecilia, 39, says she learned to speak better Spanish so she could join her husband for his weekly chats with his mother, who lives in Spain. “Now we have a great ‘Spanglish’ rapport that still amazes the family,” she says. “She and I can have lengthy conversations about her Spanish soap operas. We'll even watch whole Spanish movies together and comment back and forth the entire time.”

“I’ve found our closest moments have come when I asked her to teach me something,” says Penilopee, 48, of her MIL. “For instance, she was staying with us for a visit and I invited her to go to the store so we could get everything she needed to teach me how to make her famous spaghetti sauce. Once she realized I was eager to be taught, she loved it.”

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Jane Angelich, author of What's a Mother-in-Law To Do? 5 Essential Steps to Building a Loving Relationship with Your Son's New Wife, says her daughter-in-law habitually sends photos and updates about her grandkids. “She recognizes that there is physical distance between us and [that it's] is one way to be part of their lives,” she says. “I take the pictures she sends to me and make Shutterfly hard-covered books which I display, proudly, in my home.”

Anne, 29, says even though she and her husband had been married for eight years, she really clicked with her MIL when she became a mom, herself. “We always had a friendly relationship, but I truly began to appreciate her and feel closer to her when she came out to help with the baby about a month after he was born,” she says. “I needed help, she was there for me and the fact that she was one of about four people who I could trust 100 percent watching my son was really a turning point!”

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When Emma, 28, moved into a house with her fiancé, she and her DIY-loving mother-in-law-to-be got closer while tackling home décor projects together. “She even brought us a mirror from a garage sale and showed me how to paint and distress it so it has that ‘shabby chic’ look,” she says.

You should both spend quality time together doing the things each one enjoys, says Shari Goldsmith, a therapist who has worked extensively with mothers-in-law. “For example, if the daughter-in-law enjoys scrapbooking, then inviting her mother-in-law to share this—just the two of them—is great,” she says. “What they do together doesn't matter as much as sharing and learning about each other's interests.” Bahar adds that if MIL's favorite singer is playing an upcoming concert in your town, you could buy tickets for the two of you so you can experience the event together.

For Jolie, 31, there was a simple, yet symbolic way to get closer with her MIL. “I started calling her ‘Mom,’” she says.

Rusti, 39, who has been married for 11 years, suggests listening to your mother-in-law’s advice about parenting when she shares it—even if you don’t plan on taking it. “Don't make her feel bad or uninformed. Just say something like, ‘Wow, I never thought of it that way. You did such a great job on your kids so I might try that to see if it works,’” she says.

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Sometimes, the smallest gestures can have the most impact. Bonding can be as easy as doing these three things, Bahar says: “Call just to say ‘hello,’ smile when you see her and ask if you can help her with anything.” A little effort can go a long way.