A friend of mine has a 9-year-old daughter named Fiona who is going through a stage where she draws naked people. This somewhat odd hobby isn't so strange in her community. Both her parents are accomplished artists, and she lives in a brownstone in Brooklyn with other artist families. What I love about Fiona's drawings are the way in which she draws women: tiny breasts that look like eggs over easy, and lush, bountiful pubic hair bushes that remind me of the Whomping Willow tree in the Harry Potter series.
So when I went to see my aesthetician for an eyebrow wax two days before my son's due date and she asked, "Do you want your pre-birth wax?" I became very sad for womankind. It turned out she'd just given a Brazilian to a woman who, like me, was due any day. Apparently this person wanted to "look good down there" during labor. If I could have met her that day I would have told her not to worry, that she'd be on all fours and in pain soon enough.
Doctors and nurses couldn't give a hoot what your vagina looks like.
Fellow preggies, it's time to let go. After giving birth twice, I can assure you: Doctors and nurses couldn't give a hoot what your vagina looks like. They see hundreds of naked people a day, and will do their jobs whether your pubic hair is shaved into a triangle or bedazzled with a pink crystal. And isn't the discomfort of pregnancy and the inevitable conclusion—a painful delivery—enough? Must we also throw in a waxing, which leaves our skin the shade of Jennifer Aniston's Oscar dress?
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A new study from the University of California-San Diego reveals that emergency room visits due to pubic hair grooming mishaps increased fivefold between 2002 and 2010, with 11,704 trips to the E.R. People are literally being wounded to look like they're auditioning for a porno.
I think the achingly funny feminist Caitlin Moran said it best in her recent bestseller How to Be a Woman, "I can't believe it is costing us money now to have a vagina." All this is not to say that I don't believe in primping during pregnancy. There's no need to scare the children away at the town pool with Animal from The Muppets peeking out the sides of their bathing suit.
A simple shave or trim with blunt tip scissors can do wonders. And there are plenty of fun spa treatments a mom-to-be can enjoy with her bump. I had a lovely prenatal massage which relaxed me to the point of falling asleep. Pedicures, where someone rubs your feet and you catch up on the latest gossip in the celebrity rags can be heaven. But gripping the side of a table, spread-eagled and sweating while a stranger rips your hair out? Oh, hell no.
Did you do the pre-birth wax? Why, oh, why?
