The retreat of our boys is so common, it is almost a diagnostic symptom of adolescent maleness. Some parents really fight me on this, adamant that their boys still talk to them all the time, adding for extra measure, “We have a great relationship.” Congratulations! Not every kid experiences every symptom of puberty. But the vast majority of parents are grateful to read that their son isn’t the only one retreating. If your guy is still super young, you will be glad to know this before one day in the near future when he basically shuts the door in your face. And even those who have chatty sons often look back, years later, and recognize that their talker talked a little bit less at some point during this stage.
Unfortunately, there exist no decent studies measuring the role of testosterone in the silence of the pubescent boy, a fact that drives me nuts given that this phenomenon seems to affect almost every boy I meet, at least to some degree.
Maybe the research hasn’t been done because quietness isn’t considered a masculine feature in the same way as body type or libido or fistfights. Those endpoints are certainly more measurable, making for an easier study, not to mention that rage is a sexier headline than silence.
Or perhaps it’s because boys seem to outgrow their quiet: grown men are usually not nearly as hushed as their teenage selves. Some are, but most of us interact with multisyllabic adult males all the time. And besides, if they generally outgrow the phenomenon, why make a big deal of it?
There is a logic to not talking about not talking, particularly when it’s transient. Every adult male I have ever asked emphasized that this was a normal phase in his life, concluding there is nothing to be worried about. Focus on the overtly negative stuff, they say, like the testosterone-fueled rage that ends with fistfights or gun violence or sexual aggression. It’s a hard sell to create a national conversation around half the population spending a few years not wanting to be part of the conversation.
Should we worry if the act of shutting out adults is normal and, in most cases, short-lived? Pediatricians and developmental psychologists are well aware of the switch that happens in both genders around the age of 12, when suddenly kids care far more about the opinions of their peer group and far less about those of their parents. This change corresponds with changes in the brain, where specific areas become more active when friends are nearby; interestingly, this is the case whether their presence is physical or virtual (hello, social media!). In other words, they’re not quiet around their buddies. Perhaps the silence of our sons should be viewed as a temporary retreat from adults and caretakers and nothing more than that, especially because with their friends they are often fully animated, their brains literally lighting up.
The selective and transient nature of our boys’ silence may ultimately explain why researchers haven’t furiously worked to understand why it happens. Still, when they stop talking we often do the same in return, and given the current culture, the consequences of parents not talking to their sons are growing increasingly severe. If we don’t talk to our boys, often and intensely, about big-ticket subjects like the escalating violence seen in easy-access online pornography and on school campuses, then we cannot help them prepare for the consequences, some of which are arguably far greater today than they were a generation ago.
The consequences of parents not talking to their sons are growing increasingly severe.
In order to be able to talk through all of these charged topics, we must put a foot in the ever-slamming door. We can respect our sons’ need for privacy (and testosterone’s bodily impact gives them plenty of reasons to crave privacy) while at the same time insisting on regular check-ins about school, friends, feelings, frustrations, victories, and failures. Because whether or not their quiet is a derivative of changing levels of testosterone, if we fully accept our sons’ silence and don’t insist on keeping a conversational thread alive, trust me when I say we will face a much steeper climb when a heavyweight topic rears its head.
There exists tons of research supporting the notion that talk is healthy: when kids voice current concerns to supportive listeners, they benefit from their community of advisors; when they put words to future potential issues and think through how they might react, they train their brains to respond more logically in the heat of the moment. Ultimately, talking about what’s going on in your life at any age, but especially during puberty, keeps people safer and healthier. Talking is associated with a stronger sense of self, as well as reduced risk-taking or more forethought (or … wait for it … both!). Even when we don’t get in front of a situation with our kids, open lines of communication allow for conversation afterward.
Said another way, while not talking isn’t necessarily a bad thing, talking is a good one.
Regardless of why our boys go quiet, they do so at the same time that their bodies are pumping out higher doses of a hormone that clearly impacts their physiques, emotional states, and physical responses. Maybe one day, testosterone will be identified as the source of this stereotypical silence, maybe not. It might not matter. What does matter is recognizing the effect of not talking to our sons when they arguably need conversation the most.
How To Talk to Boys About Testosterone
1. It’s not a bad word
Neither are any of the body parts, their transformations, or their actions, by the way. The earlier we get into the habit of describing normal body functions, the more likely our sons (and daughters) are to use the right vocab when asking a question. This saves us tremendous confusion and miscommunication! So use biological words often, defining them when needed.
2. It’s not a drug they should be taking
That is, unless testosterone is prescribed by a doctor specifically for your son. Boys see testosterone advertised everywhere, promising bigger, better, more sexual bodies, so some think they need to take it. And like every other medication these days, there are ways to get some if you really want some. So talk to your son about staying away from hormone supplements unless there is a medical reason to use them.
3. It’s a great entry into a broader conversation about body expectations
If you start paying a little more attention to the information floating around about testosterone, you will quickly get a taste of what your son lives each day. Take the opportunity to say something when testosterone is mentioned in the context of manliness, machismo, or muscles. Frankly, take the opportunity even when testosterone isn’t mentioned. Boys in the early stages of puberty have big expectations about what they will look like in the future. It’s important to know what your son anticipates and then to help him manage that.
(An excerpt from Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons by Cara Natterson, M.D., available now.)
