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Parents of high school seniors might believe that their year has been condensed to just TWO seasons: (1) college applications in the fall and (2) acceptance in winter and spring.
Even that’s optimistic — because when your kid applies to a college or university, “acceptance” isn’t the only outcome. Your kid could also be waitlisted or rejected outright. And, if a rejection comes from the school of your child’s dreams, you will have to do some of the most supportive work of your parenting career.
The first steps after your child has been rejected
Ironically, helping your child cope with the disappointment of rejection begins with steeling yourself, said licensed clinical social worker F. Diane Barth in Psychology Today: “You might think it sounds paradoxical, but an appropriate amount of parental support is one of the things that will help your child to develop into an independent adult,” Barth wrote. “Modeling a healthy response to disappointment when your child does not get into the college of her choice and healthy excitement (which includes genuine empathy for friends who were not so lucky) when she does is one of the important ways that you can provide appropriate support at this stage of the transition process.”
Barth advised parents to accept that rejection hurts. Allow your child some time to process that hurt.
College counselor Brian Epstein agrees. “Don’t try to solve their problem or even address it the day they receive a denial notice,” Epstein wrote for Slate. “Follow your teen’s lead. Give them space. It will all seem OK in a few days or weeks. If waiting solves the problem, then wait. If they fall into a deep, prolonged depression, then consider other options, such as seeking medical help. But being sad is OK. They’ll survive it.”
Providing perspective to your child
Epstein advised parents to watch their language. “A typical student categorizes an adverse decision as, ‘I got rejected from Columbia.’ Yes, your application may have been denied, but that is not a rejection of who you are as a person," he said. "At the most selective colleges, nine out of 10 highly qualified applicants will have their applications denied.”
“When only 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 applicants get admitted, it is closer to a lottery,” college counselor Jim Jump told NBC News. The director of college counseling at St. Christopher’s School in Virginia added that his advice to students and parents mirrors the serenity prayer. “Focus and worry about the things over which you control, and not over those you don’t. Getting into a particular school is one of those,” he said.
Hopefully, your teen’s college application strategy employed a 3-3-3 mix of prospective schools. This was explained to Mom.com a few years ago by Elaine Sigal, of college prep site STIZZiL: “Ideally, your child should apply to 3 safety schools, 3 schools with a somewhat higher chance of risk, and 3 'reach' schools — with a mix of private and public colleges.” Celebrating the schools your child IS accepted to can help ease the pain of not getting into the others.
Comforting and encouraging your child
This was what worked for California mom Laura Scarborough when her teen’s first-choice college application was denied.
“Truthfully, I had no clue what was the right thing to do,” Scarborough told Mom.com. “After a hug and I’m sorry, I gave them one a day to mourn. Then we talked about Plan B. In the end, Plan B was the best plan.”
Deborah Quinn and her husband are both college professors who work overseas. They know the system very well, and thought they had done a good job of preparing their son for it.
“We told him that the competitive US colleges — the Ivies — were all crapshoots in terms of admissions and that he shouldn't be sure that he'd get in. But we were fairly sure that he would get in somewhere,” she told Mom.com. “Even we were shocked that he didn't get into any of his top schools.”
Quinn says her son’s heart broke when he got that first rejection letter from Harvard. “And again, when he didn't get into Yale, or Penn, or Princeton … and then his logical mathematical mind was stymied by the fact that he was waitlisted at several places.”
This story has a happy ending: Deborah Quinn’s son got a scholarship to go to Columbia, and then he got into Oxford, where he’s currently happy. She added, “It's actually probably the best fit for him.”
