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It’s often difficult to figure out what’s going on inside a teenager’s brain, so it can be alarming and devastating to find out that your teen has been hurting themself in some way. How do you know if your teen is cutting, and what do you do when you find out?
What are some ways that teens engage in self-harm?
Self-harm or self-injury is when someone deliberately hurts themselves, said Los Angeles trauma psychotherapist and speaker Adriana Alejandre. Common ways are cutting, scratching, burning, picking at scabs, pulling their hair, or inserting objects into their bodies.
Cutting and self-injury most often appear in the teen and young adult years and is more common in girls, according to Psychology Today. A study released in 2018 said that 1 in 4 girls deliberately hurt themselves.
Why would a teenager hurt themself intentionally?
Teenagers engage in self-injury as a way to find relief from emotional pain, Alejandre said. It can be a cry for help and a way to relieve feelings of sadness, anxiety, and anger.
“Self-harm is their way to escape their current pain and feel something else because they feel that this is something that they can control,” she said.
Circumstances that teens may be reacting to include:
- Current or past abuse
- Neglect
- Bullying
- Having gone through a loss like the death of a loved one or breakup
- Homelessness
Teens can also engage in emotional self-harm by “isolating themselves, making unhealthy choices due to believing that they are worthless and do not deserve more, and self-sabotaging opportunities or relationships with friends, families or mentors,” Alejandre said.
What are signs that your child may be engaging in self-harm?
Teens can express themselves in different ways. Some signs to look for are changes in personality and mood, Alejandre said. They may begin to isolate themselves, behave impulsively and talk about feeling hopeless, according to the Mayo Clinic.
Physical things to look for include cuts and scars. Teens who are cutting may change the way they dress by wearing long sleeves or gloves, even when it’s hot outside.
Sometimes there are no warning signs, said one mom, who wanted to stay anonymous. She found out her daughter was cutting herself after another mom called her.
“The rug was completely pulled out from under me,” she said. “I had no idea. I had thought we were really close.”
After finding out, she immediately took her daughter to a therapist. The cutting stopped, but she still feels shame for not recognizing that her daughter was in trouble.
Janelle Harris shared a similar story on CafeMom. She noticed a gash on her daughter’s arm that her daughter tried to explain away.
“The truth always has a way of coming out and eventually I learned she was cutting regularly," Harris wrote. "The discovery sent me into a panic. What did it mean? Was she suicidal? Even if she wasn’t, could she accidentally dig too deeply and slice a vein? It sounds so dramatic, but visions of waking up in the morning to find her in a pool of blood made me sick with worry.”
If a child is cutting, does that mean they are suicidal?
If a child is self-harming, it does not always mean that they are suicidal, Alejandre explained. Kids engage in self-harm to feel better about their current situation, not necessarily to end their life.
But while self-injury is not always a suicide attempt, it can “increase the risk of suicide because of the emotional problems that trigger self-injury. And the pattern of damaging the body in times of distress can make suicide more likely,” according to the Mayo Clinic.
If a child says they want to end their life, they should be taken to a hospital right away, Alejandre said. Families can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
What can you do if you find out your child is self-harming?
The first thing to do is listen to them without judgment and without distraction (meaning, everyone puts their phones away), Alejandre said. Let them know you are concerned.
Take all talk or instances of self-injury seriously and call your pediatrician or health care provider to get advice and treatment, according to the Mayo Clinic. Show concern, but don’t yell or threaten.
“Having thoughts of self-harm, and actually self-harming is common in teens. The fact that they are open to talking about it takes a big effort and should be validated for bravery and not punished,” Alejandre said. “There should not be consequences for this, and rather, there should be an approach to want to help them get access to healthier ways to cope with their thoughts and feelings.”
Alejandre also recommends making a sweep to get rid of anything that can be used for self-harm, including medications.
Talk to your teens, get them help and let them know that you are there for them.
"Always communicate openly and non-judgmentally with your child so that they know they are being seen and that you are concerned about their well-being," she said.
