What to Do When Your Kids Don’t Get Along

As anyone with kids knows, it's impossible to keep the peace 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The occasional (or, more likely, not so occasional) argument is bound to occur, with siblings tussling over everything from toys to clothes to books. But according to Wendy L. Ostroff, associate professor in the Program for Advanced Learning at Curry College and author of "Understanding How Young Children Learn: Bringing the Science of Child Development to the Classroom," by following a few key steps, you can find the proverbial eye in the sibling-storm.

Often, the best way to intervene in a sibling squabble is to get each child involved in a separate project, whether it be playing a game, assembling a Legos set or painting a picture, notes Ostroff. "You can even set up different stations around the room with different projects, like in preschool," she suggests. "Giving each child something to work on that they'll enjoy helps eliminate any competition between them."

Sometimes, not interfering is the best course of action when it comes to sibling rivalry, states Ostroff. "Resist the urge to constantly referee," she says. "Allow children the opportunity to learn how to work out conflicts on their own, which can help prevent future fights."

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According to Ostroff, taking blame out of the equation is key when it comes to helping your children establish clear pathways of communication, thereby reducing the frequency of fights. "Instead of your children constantly blaming one another for doing this or doing that, encourage them to make 'I statements,' such as 'I don't like when she knocks over my tower,'" says Ostroff. "Once siblings stop feeling that they're being picked on, they can more easily understand what the other one wants."

Children will vie for their parents' affection, and when entangled in an argument with a sibling, they'll do whatever they can to get their parents to choose sides — especially when the parents aren't around to witness the fight. What you need to do is keep things on an even playing field. "Avoid taking sides or punishing behaviors that you were not in the room to witness," says Ostroff, "[because these] will send the message that you favor one child over the other. Remain objective."

Loafing around the house with endless time on their hands and nothing to do can be a sibling brawl waiting to happen. "Fight boredom; it's at the root of many squabbles," says Ostroff, who suggests keeping your children busy with plenty of activities in the way of sports, enrichment classes and other forms of healthy and educational recreation.

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No matter how meticulously you color-coordinate your children's outfits or sign them up for the same after-school extracurricular activities, there's no guarantee that your children are going to get along. "Let your children be unique individuals," says Ostroff. "Don't force them to be best friends, but rather encourage them to pursue their own personal interests and develop a strong sense of self. This can ease the tension between them."

Calm begets calm, and working out kinks in your own relationships in a peaceful, practical and controlled manner will help teach your children how to do the same. "Model positive conflict resolution skills for your children in your daily life and in your marriage," says Ostroff.

At one point or another, every child needs a timeout to cool his heels and get perspective. Children can get so caught up in the emotion they're feeling, they can create a crisis over a sandwich coming apart. "Teach children to take four deep, calming breaths when they're emotionally charged up," says Ostroff. "It's physiologically impossible to stay upset after a session of deep breathing."

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