My daughter is about to turn 12, and she will not be getting a phone soon. Yet she is one of a handful of kids in her sixth-grade class not to have one.
One factor contributing to my hesitance is an incident I recently learned of at a local elementary school. A sixth-grade girl sent an inappropriate selfie to a boy, and he shared it in a group chat. I don’t know the details, but I’m guessing that, as in most cases of group-shared sexting images online, this boy likely didn’t have permission from the girl to share her image.
The prevalence of sexting and nonconsensual image sharing
According to a study by JAMA Pediatrics in 2018, one in four teens receive sexually explicit texts, and one in seven teens send “sexts.” The age of adolescents and pre-adolescents who engage in sexting is getting younger and younger, and the prevalence of nonconsensual sexting is only getting higher.
A more recent online harassment survey conducted by the National Domestic Violence Hotline in 2022 showed that over a quarter of participants had been threatened with the posting of intimate or sexual pictures without permission.
Nonconsensual image sharing is a rising form of cyber abuse, and in many states, it’s illegal for all ages. But sharing sexual images of a minor (consensual or otherwise, and even if perpetrated by another minor) is a crime throughout the U.S. and is considered distributing child pornography, according to federal law.
So, in the case of the elementary school in my town, the police were called to the school when teachers discovered that the images had been shared publicly. When I heard the story from other moms, my response was, “That poor girl.” But their response was, “She was stupid. Didn’t her parents tell her never to do that?”
The dangers of victim blaming
The more I hear about these incidents and the way parents often respond to them, the more I’m reminded of my own adolescence. I grew up way before the tech revolution. We didn’t have cell phones. We passed each other notes and left things posted on other people’s lockers.
But we did have sexual abuse, like generations of adolescents before us. And when one of us was sexually abused, the inevitable questions were asked: “What was she wearing? Why did she go there? Didn’t she know better?”
Victim blaming can have grave consequences, not just for the victim who can be traumatized and feel discouraged from seeking help, but also for society at large. Just some of the cultural repercussions of victim blaming include:
- Encouraging abusers by excusing their behavior and making them feel empowered to continue abusive behavior.
- Normalizing sexual abuse to the point that victims aren’t believed and criminal abuse doesn’t get prosecuted.
Changing the culture for our kids
When I do finally give my daughter a phone, I’ll be handing her a powerful communication tool. But I’ll also be setting her loose in a culture that continues to practice these ugly and damaging patterns of victim-blaming.
Yes, we should teach our girls the importance of protecting their bodies and images online, but more importantly, we should teach all genders the importance of consent, including online. It’s never OK to pressure another kid to engage in sexting, nor is it ever OK to share images with others — not only is it wrong morally but there can also be dire legal consequences.
Organizations like Love Is Respect, a project of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, have created educational materials for youth and parents to talk about setting healthy boundaries in relationships both IRL and online. I’m hopeful that schools will work closely with these organizations to spread awareness and combat teen dating violence, including cyber abuse.
Before we give our kids smartphones, we as parents also need to have these conversations around consensual communication. And, please, let’s not just set girls up to be the “gatekeepers” again.
