A Parenting Glossary for the Real World

It’s no secret that real estate agents have a language all their own. Cozy means small. Charming is a fixer-upper. Unique décor is actually just bad taste. Parents are not unlike real estate agents in that they need to sell the idea of leaving their kids with friends/grandparents/babysitters if they want a night out or an afternoon off. You can dangle lots of money in front of a caregiver, but if you have a cozy, charming kid, there’s probably not enough money to make it worth their while. And that's where the tricky language comes in handy. Here are some common terms used by parents accompanied by their translations…

Translation: Did you bring your chef’s hat and a pair of handcuffs? Because you will be shackled to the kitchen from here until eternity. Not only do they force you to make you them a lot of food, but then they'll go ahead and not eat any of it. And they’ll cry when you make it for them, despite the fact that you only prepared it on demand. They’ll also cry out in agony from the debilitating hunger pains as soon as their parents come home. Bon appétit!

Translation: If this kid has so much as a single M&M, be prepared with a Costco-size package of toilet paper, a change of clothes and a phone with the local pharmacy on speed dial. A drop of milk will make that kid’s pants blow with a force so impressive that a pod of whales two oceans away will likely stop to offer a standing ovation.

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Translation: Have a blast trying to get them to do anything your way. Just know that no matter what, it’s their way or the highway, dude. You can try to teach this kid some new tricks, but we’re just warning you right now that if you think banging your head against the wall sounds painful, you have not spent an afternoon trying to get this kid to understand that Connect Four is not just about trying to get his own four discs in a consecutive line, but it's also about trying to prevent the other player from getting theirs diagonally or across in a row.

Translation: Hope and pray that the front door is padded, because when mom and dad walk out and close it behind them, that kid will hurl themselves against it with the strength of Superman reversing the rotation of the Earth. Don’t worry, though, the kid will get over it—just as soon as mom's and dad’s movie ends … which is after they finish dinner and drinks and have dessert and coffee after their meal and take the long, long way home.

Translation: Back away from the toys. Leave the cookies on the table. In fact, just keep walking out the door. This is not a kid who likes to share, which means you’d do best to keep your hands on your lap and your eyes closed while in a 3-mile radius of his room, because if you so much as sneeze on a misplaced Lego, Quentin Tarantino will likely stop by to take notes for the murder sequence in his next film.

Translation: You’re in luck! As soon as mom and dad walk out the door, this kid is going straight under the bed, only to emerge when you can prove with 100 percent certainty that you’ve crossed the state line. Don’t take it personally—when she talks to her parents afterward, she'll say you’re the best friend she's ever had, despite the fact that you look scary, smell weird and didn’t feed or read to her.

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Translation: No, it’s fine—really. Go ahead and argue about whether Goofy is a dog or a mouse (he’s a dog, by the way). You might be Walt Disney’s only living heir, but as far as the kid is concerned, you’re wrong. About everything. Just nod your head, giggle softly and smile at all times—unless a frown is in order. Good luck figuring out in which is appropriate at any time, and leaving with any shred of confidence intact.

Translation: Don’t worry; there’s no way you could have known that drawing with the orange crayon would set off a tsunami of tears that would impress Superstorm Sandy. And no one will really blame you for calling her “princess” since you didn’t actually know she has an aversion to anything that’s not Dora. And they won't blame you for serving peas with pasta, which was in total disregard for the fact that nothing green should ever touch anything red—anywhere, ever. No, really, don’t feel bad. She'll stop crying. Someday.

Translation: Did you bring your earplugs? No? Oh, too bad, so sad—rookie mistake. An entertaining kid will serenade you with the karaoke version of “Call Me Maybe” at full volume. It’s cute the first nine times, but after four straight hours at full volume, no variety and the wrong lyrics—during which time you’re expected to sit at full attention or else he'll just start the song over, you’ll be in the bathroom desperately asking Siri how to arrange for a Mafia-style hit on Carly Rae Jepsen. And Katy Perry, since the entertaining kid’s encore(s) is bound to be “Firework.”

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Translation: The kid skipped today’s nap. Oh, and did anyone mention he went to bed super late last night? Which means, of course, he also woke up before dawn this morning. You know, just because. Which means you can’t do anything right. Especially the part where you breathe. That’s really going to annoy him. Have fun!