My Baby’s Getting Married! Now What?

He bought a ring! She’s engaged!

…OK. Now what? If you’re sending a child down the aisle for the first time, or switching roles from mother of the bride to mother of the groom (or vice versa), you may be unsure of how to proceed. From dress shopping to the reception, here’s a crash course in mom etiquette when your kid gets engaged.

The only thing missing? How to let go. That's all up to you.

“Traditionally, the parents of the bride pay for the wedding, and the parents of the groom take care of the rehearsal dinner,” says New England-based wedding planner Desiree Spinner.

But remember: Tradition doesn’t always hold. And sometimes the children, especially if they’re financially independent, choose to foot the bill themselves. If so, “the groom’s parents should still host the rehearsal dinner, and the bride’s parents can contribute toward the overall cost,” says Spinner.

Mother-of-the-bride duties begin immediately. Your daughter will likely lean on you for input on big decisions. “A lot of brides ask for their moms to go with them to the floral meeting, or to meet photographers,” Spinner says. “They want the parent’s guidance, since they are often financially contributing.” Go along, offer advice and give support as she feels out her options.

As for mothers of the groom? “Usually brides just ask their own mothers,” Spinner says.

Everyone loves picking the gown, right? “Generally, it’s the mother of the bride, along with the bridesmaids,” says Spinner, quoting tradition. But don’t get bummed if you're not the bride's mom. “A lot of my brides do invite the mother of the groom,” Spinner says. “I would say, don’t expect it, but many brides will. It’s a … nice way to include them and a way for the mothers to bond before the wedding.”

It’s time to team up and create that fun-filled, light-hearted shower for the blushing bride. Whose job is it, exactly?

“Both moms and the maid of honor plan the shower,” Spinner says. “It’s usually at one of the mothers' houses, and the maid of honor hosts—it’s a collaborative effort.” So, moms, expect to exchange some phone calls and emails about games, food, location and more.

Any wild times at the bachelorette party are usually reserved for the bride and her girls—but you might want to set the date aside anyway, if only to take pictures beforehand.

“Don’t expect to be invited. I’ve never had it done,” says Spinner. “Sometimes there are cocktails beforehand, or dinner, which mothers may be invited to, but not the main event. This is typically the maid of honor’s special thing for the bride.”

“Typically, the parents of the groom host, at their home or a restaurant,” Spinner says. Consult the bride as needed, but remember she has lots to do. You can basically take over this event yourself. “Generally, the mother of the groom plans, with the bride's input about the menu. For décor, go with the theme, but not the same flowers and linens and so forth. It’s really considerate to check in with the bride about décor."

Once the planning's done, it’s execution time. Your job's almost done! “Usually, the groom's parents give a toast to welcome out-of-town family,” says Spinner.

Bride moms: Let your new in-law know you’re there if she needs anything, but don’t step on her toes. This is traditionally her area. “Don’t expect to be too involved, except maybe the groom's mother will call you for input instead of the bride if she needs help."

It’s time to give your children away, and brides and grooms often make it a family affair. “Often, grandparents walk in first. Then the mother of the groom is escorted by her husband or an older male relative and seated, followed by the mother of the bride and an older male,” says Spinner. “Next come the bridesmaids, the maid of honor and finally the bride with her father. Moms kind of kick off the ceremony, though.”

Your kids may ask for you to take some part in the ceremony. Spinner says you shouldn’t automatically expect it, but it’s not uncommon, so be prepared. “Sometimes, I see them do a reading or light a unity candle, which symbolizes the two families coming together,” she says.

Have fun, but remember to talk to family first. “Moms greet their own family members, especially those from out of town, so the bride and groom don’t feel overwhelmed,” says Spinner.

Before you can officially call it a wedding, the father of the bride finally takes over. Bride's mom: You might want to help him prep his toast before the big day. “The father of the bride gives a welcome speech, and then, duties are pretty much done.”

Most brides and grooms go on a quick getaway after the wedding. Any help there is strictly financial—and optional. “Lots of parents contribute to the honeymoon,” says Spinner. “It’s not a rule, but it does happen.” So if you’re looking for a way to help the couple out as a gift, their trip to Hawaii might be a good place to start.

Before and after the wedding, the newlywed bride will probably be in need of a lot—and family gems that mean a lot will warm her heart. Mother of the groom, take note: “Offer toasting glasses or cake-cutting knives—any family heirlooms that can be passed down,” Spinner says. “Brides are always looking for veils. Maybe jewelry, maybe earrings. It’s always great when moms offer that. I know the brides appreciate it.”