My boy will turn 4 this summer, and he has only recently begun sleeping through the night. Considering that I once believed he’d naturally begin sleeping through on his own at six months, I’ve been waiting a while for this huge milestone.
But here’s the catch: he sleeps all the way through the night IF, and only if, either my husband or me is in the bed with him all night long.
Back when he was a baby, I fought this hard
My religious upbringing had taught me that kids who shared beds with their parents grew up spoiled, entitled, and clingy for life.
I literally remember feeling scared when my newborn fell asleep in my arms one day. I loved the sweet softness of him but I was terrified that he would grow up to become a serial killer because he fell asleep in his mother’s arms.
(Seriously, WTF?!)
I could cry just thinking about all the cuddles I missed out on in those first months.
I was obsessed with getting my newborn baby to fall asleep and stay asleep on his own. I did everything short of cry-it-out sleep training, because my mama heart just couldn’t handle that.
But I would let him whimper and cry for up to five minutes, nearly crying myself the whole time. He’d fall asleep with tears caked on his face and I’d think, he’s on his way to being an excellent person who knows how to sleep without his parents.
As if that’s the marker of excellence
By the time my baby turned 3 months old, he began rolling over and waking himself up. No longer could I lay him down awake until he fell asleep on his own.
So I started bed-sharing to keep him from rolling over, and honestly, I haven’t looked back. I tossed my fears out the window, read a few books on how love and affection matter deeply to a child’s development, and settled in for years of cuddles with my boy.
This is how our precious routine goes these days: my freshly bathed preschooler runs to my home office door, knocking loudly and saying, “Knock-knock! Mama! Bedtime!”
We crawl into the king-sized bed in the master bedroom. He tells me about how he brushed his teeth, how he’s a snuggle bunny, how he’s so happy to have Mama there to cuddle him to sleep.
We read a book, and then I kiss his soft hair and hold him close. It’s one of the only times that I can hold him for so long anymore — during the day, he’s an active ball of newly independent-ish energy.
Once he falls asleep, I spend a few seconds memorizing the way his sleeping face looks so much like it did when he was a newborn, only this time he’s peaceful, not teary-eyed.
Then I get up and go back to work. My husband spends the night with our son, and I sleep in the queen-sized hand-me-down bed that’s supposed to be for the preschooler.
This particular arrangement began by accident two months ago when I was sick and needed to not spread my germs all over him. Up until then, my son slept in that bed and I joined him when he inevitably woke up in the night.
But the new arrangement stuck
I told my husband, “You got to sleep through the night for the first three years of his life, so I think I’ll take these next few years to sleep all by myself in my own bed.”
Some of my fellow mom friends think this is bizarre. By some stroke of magic (or sleep training), their kids spend all night alone in their own bed. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing, if it’s what works for their family.
All I ask is that family and friends not knock us for our “atypical” but highly comfortable and cozy ways.
Honestly, I think it’s strange that in most Western countries, we spend our kids’ early years desperately fighting to get them to sleep alone, only to expect them to sleep in the same bed with a partner later in life.
Why?
Sleep habits differ around the world. Some kids go to bed at 7 p.m. and others, closer to 11. Some sleep alone, and many, many others sleep with parents or older siblings.
There is no single correct way to raise a child, much less get them to sleep.
So if you’re on the fence about whether or not to snuggle your babies to sleep (and all night long) and you feel pressured not to, just give in.
It’s OK
With a newborn, a Moses basket placed next to you can be a safe and cozy way to co-sleep. With a sturdy preschooler like mine, all it takes is a love of cuddles, snuggles, and the occasional elbow in the face.
I know that when my son is grown, I’ll miss these snuggly evenings. My husband will miss nights spend with our son curled up at his side.
And if you’re worried about our marriage, don’t be. According to her memoir, My Life in France, Julia Child and her husband Paul enjoyed a long and lasting love, and they slept in separate beds.
There’s really no one-size-fits-all sleep arrangement, and we’re happy with ours.
