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Having a teenager is very different from having a little kid, for so many reasons. When your children are small, every problem feels like maybe it could be life or death. Sometimes it actually is. Choking on toys, falling down stairs, and running in front of cars can all be really dangerous but when kids are teens, things are just as dangerous but a lot subtler. We have to work a lot harder to see the danger signs.
It’s easy to redirect toddlers and preschoolers but it’s much harder to redirect a teen. When your teen gets bad grades or is struggling in school, you can’t just discipline it away. You’ve got to figure out how to get your teenager to focus. You’ve got to help them help themselves without over-inserting yourself.
How do we recognize the signs?
Unfortunately, your teen's struggles probably coincide with a time when they are talking to you less and less and pulling away more and more. Instead of being the first person they go to with all of life’s problems, we’re quickly becoming an observer in our teen’s life. How can we know if our teen is struggling in school or life if they won’t even look at us when we’re talking to them?
As parents there are some signs we need to watch for to know if our teen is struggling in school. MJ Tam, mom of teens and blogger from Chicago, told Mom.com, “My teens know that I will ask them, ‘What was the funniest thing that happened at school today?’ every time they walk in the door or get in the car. I’ve been asking them since they were little. They are quick to share stories before I can ask. I know there is something wrong when they don’t feel like sharing anything.”
Here are some signs that your teen may be struggling in school and ways you can help.
They never want to talk about school
If you ask your teen about school and their answer seems vague or overconfident, they might be hiding something from you. To avoid feeling judged and ashamed for falling behind or not understanding things, they may just lie to you and say everything is OK. Many teens will completely dismiss your concerns just to avoid admitting they are feeling overwhelmed or out of their depth. Here are ways you can help:
- When you notice them struggling, let them know that you are there for them and you want to help.
- Let them know that you are human and you’ve struggled too. Acknowledge your own personal weaknesses and failures.
- Get them peer tutoring. With someone closer to their own age as a tutor/mentor, it may be easier to accept the help and realize they are not alone and that everybody struggles from time to time.
- Check in. Check their homework. They'll roll their eyes at you, but they need you more than they let on.
- Keep an eye on your teens grades through Canvas (or a similar program in place at your school). These apps allow parents to keep an eye on their child’s grades and assignments from an observer account.
They’re always bored or find school to be 'unfair'
If your teen always complains about school being boring or "unfair" keep an eye on them, they might be struggling. If your teen is blaming everything wrong with school on the teachers or the classes, there is probably something going on. Here are more tips:
- Don’t lecture. Talk to them. Listen to them but don’t talk at them.
- Support them. Let them know that you’re in this together and you’ll help them achieve their goals.
- Help them find their “why?" Giving a teen a purpose is a great motivator. Maybe your teenager hates calculus but she wants to be a lawyer someday, explain to her that calculus teaches analytical thinking skills and analytical thinking skills are imperative to becoming a lawyer.
Your teen seems more distant than usual
We all know that teens are notorious for spending lots of time alone or with friends in their room. It’s probably their favorite place to be but if you notice your teenager seems lethargic, closed off, or more detached than usual, look more closely. Ways to help:
- Make sure that they know you are there for them and on their side. Teens pull away when things get uncomfortable.
- Keep an eye out for shifts in behavior like sleeping too much, anxiousness, nail biting, weight loss, depression, and feeling too sick to go to school.
- Get them the help they need whether it be academic, mental, or emotional.
Your teen is angry all the time
What you might think is typical teen angst might be your teen masking their struggle, especially if you notice these behaviors revolve around the time they leave for or arrive home from school. Here's what to do:
- Discuss what you’ve observed with your teen and ask them what’s going on in their life that is making them so frustrated and angry. Social worker Andrea Eisen Bates told Mom.com, “Often our kids just want us to ask. They want us to see them struggling. We're one of the few places they feel safest. We're where they go for help, even when they don't know how or why they need it. Let them tell you.”
- Organize a meeting with the school guidance counselor for you and your teen.
