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"Oliver wanted to know why he wasn't talking," explains Emma Kate Tsai, of Houston, Texas. Oliver is her son, age 6. Her 4-year-old stepson has sensory processing disorder and a severe speech delay. Part of bringing her new family together meant explaining to Oliver the developmental challenges his stepbrother faces.
Some of that effort has been pretty natural.
"They're stepbrothers that are totally smitten with one another," says Tsai. Oliver is sweet and sensitive, built somewhat slighter than his younger stepbrother. "He has never been jealous of all the time he consumes, how hard he can be, his tantrums," says Tsai.
While Tsai has read a lot about the issues her stepson faces, her approach to the boys has been fairly intuitive — giving Oliver constructive ways to help (which also suits his personality), and finding activities they can enjoy together. His stepbrother, in turn, helps Oliver as well. "It actually helps Oliver's self-esteem with bullying to have to stand up for himself," says Tsai.
In certain ways, managing the relationship between a neurotypical sibling and a sibling with special needs is not so different from any other sibling dynamic: sometimes sweet, sometimes fraught, ever-changing. There can be jealousy, resentment, and rivalry in addition to meaningful connection, laughter, and silliness. Still, depending on the nature and severity of the disability, and overall family dynamics, it can be tough.
Everyone needs support
"Most siblings of children with special needs will need their own mental health support at some point during their childhood," says Emily King, a Raleigh, North Carolina-based psychologist who specializes in working with toddlers, children, and young adults who have autism, ADHD, or anxiety. A sibling with special needs can make certain demands on parents and caregivers that alters how the whole family relates and functions. Parents and children alike can benefit from extra support.
And the dynamic can persist over a lifetime. As Don Meyer and Emily Holl write in The Sibling Survival Guide: Indispensable Information for Brothers and Sisters of Adults With Disabilities, "Brothers and sisters will be in the lives of their siblings who have disabilities longer than anyone — certainly longer than any service providers and likely longer than even parents. … Consequently, sibling issues are lifespan issues that change and evolve as siblings do. Preschoolers who are sibs will have their own unique issues, as will sibs who are teens, adults, and senior citizens."
For children, who are still learning about the world and all of our differences, there are some things to keep in mind.
If the sibling is older
"If the neurotypical sibling is older, they may rise to the occasion and develop extraordinary kindness and understanding of people with diverse needs," says King. But that doesn't mean that it won't be hard. A younger sibling with special needs may require all of a parent's attention and the whole family may need to accommodate certain schedules, rituals, wants, and needs. King adds, "Even the most understanding older sibling will need a break from these demands."
This is where a therapist can be really useful. Not just for venting feelings, but for important boundary-setting discussions as well. Older siblings need to understand what is their "job" as a sibling and what is not, so they may be given permission to say no at times to their sibling, says King.
If the sibling is younger
"If the neurotypical sibling is younger, it will be important to talk with the child about their older brother or sister's needs as soon as they are developmentally ready," says King. It's especially tricky when there's an invisible disability at play.
"It's helpful to explain that everyone's brain is different and just because a child is older doesn't mean they can do something better," says King. It's a parent's job to explain the emotional or developmental issues a sibling struggles with.
It's also normal for a younger sibling to have some anxiety about the "unknown" of an older sibling's skills, says King — and for that anxiety to express itself as annoyance, because the younger sibling is still emotionally immature. "It's important to notice sibling annoyance as a red flag and seek help."
Some common struggles
No matter how conscious a parent is about talking openly about family dynamics or spending quality one-on-one time with their neurotypical child, certain feelings may emerge.
Documentary filmmaker Rachel Feichter has two children — one with special needs and one without. As she began researching a documentary about the siblings of kids with special needs, she unearthed some common struggles, which she shared with The Washington Post.
Siblings of kids with special needs may:
- Feel like they need to be perfect
- Feel like they can’t express their feelings
- Have a different idea of family and home
- Feel as though their problems are minimized
- Feel isolated
- Deal with intolerance early and often
- Feel like they are asked to help too much
- Feel like they must grow up quickly
The point is not to avoid those thoughts and feelings. It's to be able to validate that your child is not alone feeling the way they do.
