Maybe mid-September is too early to already be sick of the holidays, but if you're a seasoned parent, it's hard to not start feeling tense about a day-long holiday for which retailers have trained us (and our kids) to believe we need five months to prepare.
Of course it's useless to whine about how Christmas music is already playing in malls and department stores, and catalogues have been nudging us to start decking our halls since late July. Joining the chorus of those ringing their jingle bells is Toys 'R' Us, which recently released their list of 2015's hottest toys.
As if often the case, though, what's "hot" among kids is so "not" with their parents. Here's a parental breakdown of what to expect if you decide to go with one of these "hot" toys:
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1. Fisher-Price Bright Beats Dance & Move BeatBo
"What's it called again, Mommy?"
"What did you say its name is, Mommy?"
If those questions on a continuous loop don't cause you to lose your mind, the "energetic" music that emanates from this creature might just do the trick. If not, be prepared for your tots to use the record feature to ask you again and again and again what, exactly, the damn toy is called again.
2. Fisher-Price Smart Toy Bear
So a toy that a parent has to operate and listen to from another room? And we need to pay money for that?
If this bear were really smart, it would just be quiet. And yet that's the antithesis of its entire existence. Parents are meant to use an app via their smart phones to "monitor their child's activity and progress while commanding the bear from a distance." So a toy that a parent has to operate and listen to from another room? And we need to pay money for that? Wouldn't it just be cheaper (and less annoying) to sit in the same room with our kids?
3. Disney Junior DocMcStuffins Take Care of Me Lambie
How long before the otoscope gets stuck up someone's nose? How much do you want to bet that's not the only place it gets stuck?
4. Barbie Saddle 'N Ride Horse
"Mommy! Barbie fell off the horse again!"
"Mommy! Barbie's hat came off again!"
"Mommy! I can't get Barbie's boots off!"
"Mommy! I can't get Barbie's boots on!"
5. Little Live Pets Clever Keet
If you can't remember why you didn't buy your kids a real pet bird, let this toy be a reminder. (Hint: This toy talks, sings, dances and drives—which actually might make a real pet bird slightly less irritating.)
6. Shopkins Fashion Boutique Playset
"But Mommy, Santa didn't also bring the 431 parts and accessories that are supposed to go in the boutique!"
7. Journey Girl 2015 Italy Holiday Girl—Giovanna
"But Mommy, I wanted an American Girl Doll."
On a pain scale of 1-10, where the ATV component will land you when you step on it in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom: 24.
9. Fisher-Price Imaginext Ultra T-Rex
Estimated length of time your child will spend in time-out for scaring the daylights out of Aunt Evelyn by hiding in the closet in the guest bedroom and jumping out at her in the dark with this toy: 19 hours (which, by the way, Aunt Evelyn will argue is not long enough).
10. Star Wars Bladebuilders Jedi Master Lightsaber
Number of unique combinations this can be made into: 100+
Number of uses your child will utilize besides poking their younger siblings in the butt: 0
11. Star Wars R2-D2 Interactive Robotic Droid (Coming Soon)
"But Mommy, I thought R2-D2 would be able to clean up my room for me."
12. Lego Dimensions Starter Pack
"Starter pack? But I'm already advanced."
13. Guitar Hero Live
"Whoops, kids. Sorry. Santa actually brought this one for Mommy and Daddy."
14. Nerf N-Strike Modulus ECS-10 Blaster
Estimated number of times the police will be called by the neighbors before the blaster gets "lost" in the bottom of the garbage can on trash day: 7.
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This toy is comprised of 600 parts. We repeat: SIX HUNDRED PARTS. This is not a drill. That's 600 parts to lose, sit on, swallow, flush, brandish and break.
