"So what happened today? Who was nice and who do you wish would disappear?" This was how my after-school convos started with my daughters every single day. Because this is the stage we're now at — the "no, you can't play with us for no particular reason" stage.
Mean girls are real, and they're 8 years old
Years ago, when my friends with older kids warned about how "mean girl" dynamics now start younger than when we were kids, I rolled my eyes. Yeah, I had some friends who were the bossy type in second grade, but they were just bossy.
No big deal. But it turns out they were right. And this new breed of mean girls is bossy, bitchy, and ballsy. And my daughter was dealing with them every day. Well, one in particular.
There's a group of girls that one of my daughters has been running with since kindergarten
They've all known each other for years. But it turns out one of them is a sweetheart when parents are present and then apparently shape-shifts into a ruthless divider on the playground.
Last year, my daughter would play with this group only to start getting turned away by this one particular child. She'd come home sad and confused, saying how recess wasn't any fun because someone was always crying or left out or upset. Her teacher confirmed her report. "This group has conflicts," her teacher said.
OK. We can deal
It was the end of the school year, so I told my girl to play with other kids since everyone would be going on summer break soon. I even talked with said mean girl's mom and all was positive. "I think all these kids need to separate for a while," we decided.
So, into summer break they all went, and into a new school year we soon bounced… and the same stories about the mean girl started up again.
"We don't have room for you," she'd tell my daughter at recess. "You can't play with us today, you can't dance with us today, you can't help sing that song with us today."
For weeks, my girl would get into my car at pick-up and explode with anger and tears about how her recess was "soooo bad" because she'd get turned away from her own group of friends, the rejection led by this same girl.
I prodded, not wanting to vilify this child who came swimming at our home over the summer. "Does anyone have fun with her at recess?" I asked. "Nobody has fun, she makes everyone act like her servant and cries if and when they don't do what she says!" my girl reported. The other friends have apparently been too scared to go against this one's power on the playground to say or act otherwise.
At first, I ego-boosted my daughter to be strong and disrupt the status quo
Say, "Why? What's your reason for not letting me play? We're all friends here!" So she tried it one day. One of her other friends then caught on and made an earnest effort to stand up and echo my girl. "Yeah! Why can't she play with us?"
According to my after-school report, this friend was promptly shut down by the queen bee. "Because we can't, we're not doing that today," she said.
I reasoned what might be the cause for this kind of behavior: Maybe this little girl just wants more quality time with a few friends instead of a big group during recess… that's not evil. I got imaginative. I got strategic. I looked up a few recent articles that discussed girl dynamics, I memorized some go-to phrases I found about dealing with bullying, and I sat my daughter down to have a heart-to-heart.
"This isn't your fault"
"You've done nothing wrong. I'm here to help you. We'll figure this out together. Can you tell me more details so we can make a plan to solve this?"
And then I suddenly got pissed. "Forget it, forget her," I told my girl. "Don't be mean, don't be rude, just stop trying to play with that group during recess… it's not working and you're not going to change her."
I've written countless articles about the importance of ridding our lives of toxic fake friends, so why should things be any different for a young girl?
We then did a review of "nice kids" and made a new list of classmates who are fun to hang out with and don't necessarily play with that original group every day.
"Your job tomorrow is to smile and wave hello to your longtime group of friends, but find a classmate on this new list to jump in and play with. Don't waste your recess trying to change one person who's acting mean."
I told her she's a wonderful daughter, a smart girl, a nice friend, someone who likes to play fun games, someone who doesn't want to waste time on rude people who pretend to be her friend. She got it. She was amped. She hopped out of the car that day ready to tackle her goal. "You can do this, think of me being on your team!" Coach Mom, that's me.
What happened? She nailed it
That afternoon, she spilled a stellar report about how she found some new friends and played jump rope and felt GREAT. The confidence was radiating off her when she dished all the details. She's been happy ever since.
These days, she waves and says hi to her original friends on the playground and she still gets invited to that original group's birthday parties, but the fact that my girl has now opted out of dealing with so much daily drama kinda makes me feel like a winner.
Better yet, my daughter feels like a winner.
