‘But She’s Too Young!’

We've all had 'em: those wait-a-minute moments when your kid wants to do something for the first time. Case in point: Miley Cyrus—all of 19—just got engaged. So how do you handle major milestones, from a first flight to a baby? “Parents need to trust their gut,” says Don Elium, a family therapist and co-author of Raising a Teenager: Parents and the Nurturing of a Responsible Teen. “Put yourself in their shoes before drawing a line.”

You trust your kid, you do. But the rest of the world? Not so much. So when your 9-year-old asks to walk to school by himself, it’s hard to say yes. The key is to get down his level and figure out how he's seeing the world. "Walk that walk and see how it would look to a 9-year-old. What are the dangers?" says Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, an adolescent medicine specialist and author of Letting Go With Love and Confidence. “Can your kid handle them? Make your decision based on that. Know who your kid is, what they need and what the world looks like to them.”

Pajama parties—the classic rite of passage, right? “But is your child ready for unsupervised activities in someone else’s home?” asks Elium. “And can they be comfortable overnight without you? This is all about your child’s readiness to make decisions and to deal with other people.” As a tween, he explains, the child looks older than they are, but they may not have the capacity to go against the decisions of their peers.

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In today’s world, it’s not uncommon for 8-year-olds to rock smart phones. But is your kid too young? “It depends on what they’re using it for,” says Elium. “If it’s supervised and they’re just using it to keep in touch with their parents, that makes sense. But if they’re given free reign, that may be too much.” Less is more, Elium suggests, at least for younger kids. But for tweens and teens, they should know that their own phone doesn’t guarantee complete privacy. “They’re not adults, which means there should still be some level of parental supervision.”

You want to send your kid to spend a few weeks with grandpa cross-country this summer, but the idea of a solo flight is daunting. “Some airlines will take kids as young as five—but that doesn’t mean that they’re ready,” says family therapist Jeff Palitz, founder of Eastlake Community Counseling. Parents should think about their child’s maturity level, and how well they occupy themselves alone, as well dealing with other adults. “There are so many considerations: have they flown before? Can they ask for help? Will they be afraid to even get up and go to the bathroom alone?”

Your kid wants to go on the weekend trip with the rest of his class, and you’re feeling a bit panicked about sending him off solo. But if it’s a school-sanctioned activity, it’s likely age-appropriate, says Palitz. “Schools generally consider what kids can handle, and the activities are usually well-supervised. These things help them grow and stretch out of their comfort zone a bit. But ask your kid if they feel ready, too. And if your kid is ready, it might be that you, as a parent, need to stretch.”

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For many kids, summer camp is their first true stretch of independence. But if your kid is pining for eight weeks away and they’ve never gone before, you'll need some time to think. “Baby steps here. Maybe there’s a compromise,” says Palitz. “A month or more is a long stretch, but they could try a week or two. See how they handle it, and next year, maybe they can go longer.” Plus, Palitz points out, these are adult-supervised activities. “This is about growing up—for kids and for parents,” he says. “You don’t do something you know your kid is really not ready for, but you push yourself to do something you’re maybe unsure about.”

It’s no shocker that your pre-teen wants to check out Facebook—after all, his whole class is on it already. But is it safe? Elium says to tread with caution, as there isn’t any research on how this impacts a growing brain. “If you look at it from a viewpoint of decision-making, the ability for the kid to say no and yes to things, it’s a bit scary,” says Elium. “You’re exposing your child to pretty much whatever they come across on that Facebook feed. If you trust your kid to make good decisions about adult content, then they can have their own Facebook page with a private password. But that’s a big risk for a tween.” Supervised computer time is a good compromise.

Your kid’s allowance just isn’t cutting it anymore. But could clocking in hours at the mall or an afterschool shift babysitting be too much? Maybe not. “Getting a job is a great opportunity to demonstrate responsibility, learn about collaboration and develop social skills,” says Kenneth Ginsburg, author of Letting Go With Love and Confidence: Raising Responsible, Resilient and Self-Sufficient Teens. “And it’s also an awesome way for teens to learn independence and how to manage their own money.” Still, says Ginsburg, not every teen is ready. And, research indicates teens should work 20 hours or fewer to maintain a strong focus on school.

“There’s not a magic age when your kid is ready to date,” says Ginsburg. “Adolescence is a time when you’re learning to understand what relationships are about—mutual respect and learning to care about someone else besides yourself.” But, Ginsburg adds, dating doesn’t automatically mean your kid is ready for sex. “We should be teaching about healthy relationships as early as possible—the sex stuff doesn’t have to come till much later,” he says. “When we put it all off, it feels like something much bigger than it has to be. When we honor our kids’ independence, they don’t rebel. Their job is to become independent and push us away.”

Palitz says the key here is to talk about sex early—and often. “The conversation you have with an 8-year-old about sex is not the same conversation you have with a 14-year-old about sex,” he explains, “but the idea is that you’re laying the groundwork. Parents need to keep in mind that sex is only a weird, squirming subject if you make it one.” And Palitz says talking about sex early will make you more comfortable with dealing with it, too. “Parents make it this huge thing in their heads,” he says, “but you have to talk to your kids about it, or they’ll go looking for information elsewhere.”

If your kid asks you about birth control, don’t freak out. Instead, “thank your lucky stars,” says Palitz. “They are giving you an easy opportunity to educate them. Tell them the facts. You have a chance to tell them what your family values are here.” Talking about birth control doesn’t automatically mean you’re issuing approval. “Having a conversation about birth control is not going to make your kid go have sex,” says Ginsburg. “But the most protective thing you can do is let your kid know that you’re open to talking to them.”

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Yup, it’s the dreaded empty nest syndrome. But your kid’s departure for college shouldn’t become all about you. “Don’t mourn when your kid goes off to college,” says Ginsburg. “Celebrate a new stage of their life, and welcome them back when they’ve proven that they can stand up on their own two feet. We have to honor our kids' growing independence. That’s when they can turn back to us for that loving interdependence that we’re all hoping to achieve.”

In most cases, an engagement means you’re dealing with an adult. “They have the right to make their own decisions,” says Palitz. “And you don’t have to like their decisions, but it pays to respect the fact that they’re adults.” The main thing, even if you’re thinking they’re making the biggest mistake of their life, “is to be there for them. Express your concern and the reasons why, but [be] careful about being judgmental,” says Palitz. “The kid is going to do what they want to do. The only thing you’re going to do is damage your relationship. So keep the door open. And if something goes wrong, don’t say ‘I told you so.’”

Age is not necessarily the determining factor in how well-prepared your child is to handle a pregnancy, surprise or otherwise. And blowing up here can do big-time damage to your relationship. “If your kid is already pregnant, saying ‘you’re too young,’ isn’t going to accomplish much,”says Palitz. “The key for a parent is to balance your needs versus your child’s needs. React considering your child’s needs.” Choose your words carefully. “Your ultimate goal is to preserve your relationship with your child, and be there for them, no matter what the decision.”