If you haven't heard, everyone knows what it takes to raise the perfect human. Because if we moms would only spend more time at home with the kids then theyโd turn out OK.
Successful. Happy. Who knew it was so simple?
The problem is itโs not.
As much as moms keep telling the media that the โmommy warsโ donโt actually exist, that hey, there are disagreements about how to do something in pretty much every profession and role in life and those are not publicized "wars," the phrase still persists. I realize โThe Dry Cleaner Warsโ is not as catchy.
Neither is โMoms disagree with each other on how to raise kids like all people disagree about everything.โ But thatโs the truth.
We disagree. But weโre hardly battling each other.
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What bugs me most is that the crux of this argument focuses specifically on the physical proximity of a mother to her children and its effect on her success in life, which sounds logical but makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Because when it comes down to it, the emotional proximity of a parent and child (not just moms, by the way) and the emotional availability of a parent are what should really matter.
Are you really present for your kids?
Sure, logic might say that if a mom is physically with her children more, then she is more available to them emotionally, but we all know thatโs not the case. And really, when did logic ever come into play for parents?
I can easily sit in my house with my kids running circles around me and completely tune them out. I can stare at my phone while they talk to me about their Minecraft house and their favorite television character, and I couldnโt repeat a word that they said to me.
Not some of my more proud parenting moments.
Being truly present for our children has nothing to do with how much we are actually with them.
What about those of us with spouses who travel or are away from home? Oh right, dads donโt count.
We have our own moms, who worked full-time and were totally and completely available to us, or stay-at-home-moms, like mine, who were closed off and guarded. And we had the reverse. And we complained about them in therapy and said, โIf they were only home moreโ or โIf they would just have gotten a life of their ownโ and we are just plain wrong.
So letโs just get one thing clear right now: Being truly present for our children has nothing to do with how much we are actually with them. In fact, Iโd like to think that weโre more in tune with them when we have the opportunity to focus on just ourselves.
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Emotional availability requires action and effort, being comfortable with our own ego and self-esteem. And giving them a place where they feel safe, wanted and important.
Itโs damn hard work.
And it has nothing to do with whether you stay at home with your kids or you donโt. But rather, in those moments when you are with your kids, if youโre really truly โthereโ with them. In their happiness, their fear, their joy, their pain.
Thatโs what we should all be fighting for.
