To vaccinate or not vaccinate? That is the question. For me it's not really a question. I'm all in favor of preventing preventable diseases. I'm also in favor of looking both ways before I cross the street and other logical precautionary things that are within my control. But others take a different stance for their own reasons. I totally get that. I often bite into a steaming hot slice of pizza, even though I know there are things I could do to prevent the roof of my mouth from falling off.
The debate is ongoing and relentless. Sure, measles, mumps and rubella come with rashes, fever, muscle pain, which could all lead to brain swelling or death … but there are bigger problems facing us on a daily basis! Let's agree to disagree on how to treat preventable diseases and focus on these 7 vaccines that we can all get on board with.
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1. Skin Shield Vaccine
The Skin Shield Vaccine creates an invisible barrier around the child so that UVA/UVB rays are no longer a threat.
Pros: You never having to protect their face while avoiding their eyes like a land mine again.
Cons: You can't make them chalky white and pretend they're a ghost.
2. Cavity Combater Vaccine
The Cavity Combater Vaccine makes the enamel completely indestructible. There's no need for brushing or flossing ever again.
Pros: No need to pry open the almighty jaws of a pissed toddler.
Cons: Breath might get a bit stinky.
3. Nail Neutralizer Vaccine
The Nail Neutralizer Vaccine prevents the nails from growing. Ever. The nails will not grow.
Pros: No talons or potential blood loss from a close clip.
Cons: Might impact girls as they get older, in the event long nails come back in style.
4. Super Sleeper Vaccine
The Super Sleeper Vaccine ensures a solid 12 hours of sleep every night from birth to 18 years old.
Pros: You get your life back.
Cons: If anyone can think of a con, it means they don't have any children.
5. Wipe Out Whining Vaccine
The Wipe Out Whining Vaccine omits any type of annoying noise that might come out of your child.
Pros: Your child instantly becomes cuter when not making annoying noises.
Cons: You can't mimic and make fun of your whining child anymore.
6. Eager Eater Vaccine
The Eager Eater Vaccine gives your child the appetite of a ravenous wild animal. They'll eat anything that you put in front of them without any complaints.
Pros: You'll never have to worry about them getting their vitamins.
Cons: You'll need a Costco membership to keep up with their food demands.
7. Public Potty Vaccine
The Public Potty Vaccine restricts their bowels the second that you leave the house. The only place they'll ever have to use the bathroom is in the comfort of your own home.
Pros: You'll never having to freak out because your child is touching every surface in the nasty park bathroom.
Cons: Their body might explode if you are away from the house for too long.
RELATED: 10 Irrefutable Pro-Vax Arguments
Now let's get some clinical trials going so we can get these much needed vaccines out to the masses! Any seasoned mother can agree that these are necessary and vital. Any unseasoned mother just needs a bit more time to come around. I'm confident that eventually we'll all agree.
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