For more of my adolescent years than I care to admit, I did not see being Asian as something worthy of celebration. It felt more like a shortcoming, an automatic disqualification from being beautiful, or cool, or even interesting. In Asian circles, I didn’t feel this way. But outside of these communities, I felt like I was pushed aside and shoved into a box, sealed shut with those sticky labels that had been used to define all the other Asians before me. Anything that was exceptional, anything that was lovely, anything that was distinctive about me felt unseen. And I started to resent being Asian.
I later learned that it wasn’t being Asian I didn’t like. It was being generalized that I didn’t like. Once I started to grasp who I was apart from other people’s opinions of me, I was finally able to step outside of that box — and I realized that by completely rejecting a culture that was in my blood, I was cutting off the gifts that existed in me, as well.
There is a lot to celebrate about being Asian – it’s a culture that values family, community, and harmony. They look out for each other, honor each other, and are generous, hospitable, and self-sacrificing for the general good. They value hard work and humility, excellence, and beauty. And they remain steadfast in the face of suffering.
But these qualities sometimes come across differently when practiced in American culture. Harmonious may look passive, humble may look submissive, striving for excellence may be seen as boringly studious and hardworking – and these things are what can cause people to, at the very least, overlook Asians, and at worst, dehumanize them and make them targets of discrimination and violence. There is a history of racism toward Asians in America that most know very little about, which is probably both a cause and effect of the silence, shame, and invisibility that mark the Asian culture.
So here are five things I want my Asian American daughters to know, from a fourth-generation, Japanese-Filipino American mother. My perspective does not fully reflect the 20-plus other Asian cultures represented in America, nor the different generations within each, but I want to share it in case there might be others who can relate, so they can begin to embrace and balance the tension between the two cultures within them, and step into the fullness of who they are.
1. You are worthy of being seen and heard
Sometimes, it’s scary to try to shine. You might feel like you shouldn’t draw attention to yourself, that it’s not your place to stand out. You might fear that what you have to offer is not important enough to be heard, or good enough to be seen, or that someone else could do it better. But you have a unique contribution to give, and your words and presence are weighty. So raise that hand. Go after that lead role. Sing and dance your heart out. Things won’t always come out perfectly. But you are still always worth beholding.
Which brings me to my next point…
2. You don’t need to be perfect
I know you feel like if you put something out there, it should be flawless. Or at least, #1. Sometimes you might want to hold back from trying something, out of fear that it won’t come out perfectly. And here’s the thing: Sometimes even your best will fail. Sometimes you will follow all the rules, do everything right, give everything you have – and still lose. And that’s OK. Let people see that you are imperfect. Because sometimes, imperfection and loss will open up doors to things that perfection never could.
3. Rip off those sticky labels
There might be times when you feel like you need to act a certain way, because that’s what people expect of you. You value other people’s opinions and harmony within a group, so when people label you with words like smart, nice, shy, quiet, cute, or expect you to be passive or submissive, you might feel like you need to be those things — even if that’s not really you all the time. Because sometimes, smart girls are silly, nice girls have opposing opinions, and shy girls wish they could show people the depths that lie beneath their quiet surface.
You will always be more than the labels others stick on you. (People make misjudgments – you’ll make them, too!) So if you find yourself feeling minimized by others’ assumptions of you, identify what label you think they placed on you, then rip it right off. Just because someone says it doesn’t mean you have to keep it. Then continue on your merry way.
4. You are beautiful
I love your soft brown eyes, your round cheeks, your flat little nose, your petite build. One day you might be covering all this up with makeup and high heels, hoping to make your eyes bigger, your face smaller, your nose narrower, your legs longer — and when those days come, those days when you feel like you’re not beautiful enough, I want you to remember something: When you are kind to everyone, your eyes sparkle! When you are more interested in others than getting them interested in you, your whole face glows! When you are generous in everything you do, people will wonder how someone so small can be so BIG! Want to know how I know this? Because I’ve already seen it in you. The loveliest people, the ones who inspire joy and delight when you look at them, are the ones who call out the beauty in others.
5. It is an honor to be Asian American
(A nod to Sandra Oh’s famous words at the 2018 Emmys.)
I know that being viewed as an outsider in both your home country and in the one of your ancestors hardly feels like an honor. But this dual-identity gives us a significant role to play: It’s in our blood to value generosity, harmony, and putting others first, as the Asian heart does. But it’s in our culture to value openness in communication, big dreams, and resilient hope, as the American heart does.
If we look at all the division, hurt, and loss that surround us in these post-pandemic times, we will realize how important this combination is if we want to see healing. Our families and communities need people who will honor others even if they disagree with them, who will deny themselves for the sake of the whole, who will fight for connection, and believe even if things seem impossible. It won’t always be pretty, but you are already familiar with that tension, for those two hearts come together in you, the Asian American daughters.
