Get Some Perspective
Look beyond your child’s actions and understand that when children have big feelings, they will often do and say things they don’t mean because they lack conflict-resolution skills. The hurtful words and actions your daughter throws your way are how she releases anger and frustration, and she unleashes it on you because she knows you will love her no matter what. Try to remember that she’s a kid who’s doing her best to deal with big feelings.
Let It Go
You may need to release the energy that the anger has infused you with. Once you are aware that you’re holding a grudge, it’s much easier to take some deep breaths, possibly imagining you are blowing the grudge feelings out. Some of the best strategies I’ve found to move on are to make fun of myself, to be playful and silly (like retelling the story with a lot of drama), or to move around and even exercise a bit.
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Be Authentic
Instead of burying your hurt feelings and your grudge, think about talking to your child. Once she’s in a good state of mind again, you can appropriately talk about what she said or how she hurt your feelings. A caution, though: If you are doing this to manipulate your child into feeling guilty, it will backfire in the long run. She will discount you and tune you out in the future, assuming you’re being dramatic. But if you are authentically talking about how you feel, it teaches your child that her behavior impacts how other people feel. Once you’ve said your piece, your child may authentically apologize.
Make the Experience Valuable
If you wait until your child is in a good mood, this is a great opportunity to have a conversation about how she was feeling at the time, how she could’ve communicated differently, and how her feelings influenced everyone in the room. This builds empathy, models that repair is an important part of conflict and teaches her new ways to more respectfully express her big feelings.
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Don't Hang on to the Hurt
Holding a grudge and hanging on to the hurt just keeps us from enjoying parenting and enjoying our children. So the next time you find yourself having trouble letting go of your anger, remember these five steps. See your frustration and let it go, then talk to your child and make the experience valuable. Maybe you can even have the conversation over ice cream.
