14 Times I Was Paranoid About My Teens

I admit it. I might be just a little paranoid when it comes to parenting my two teens. Given even the most innocent of situations, I will almost always go to the worst-case, glass half-empty, psycho-with-the-chainsaw scenario. Surprisingly, my kids have turned out pretty good even though my daughter did think someone had planted a bomb in her teddy bear when she was 6. Of course, I cut that thing open just to make sure.

Here are a few examples of what goes through my mind while the rest of you are (hopefully) having nice, normal thoughts.

1. When they don't return my text within two minutes

I'm always convinced they've been kidnapped, stuffed in a trunk and are about to have one of their kidneys sold on the black market. Alternately, I imagine they've lost yet another iPhone, which is just as horrifying.

2. When I see a news story about a pedestrian being hit

Naturally, I start researching ways for them to avoid crossing another street for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately I can't afford an island or the Popemobile.

3. When they're on their way to a party

I'm pretty sure this is what's going to be happening.

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4. When we leave them home alone

I'm pretty sure this is what's going to be happening.

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5. When they're worried they did poorly on a test

I keep telling myself that we'll still love them when they're selling apples on the street corner and living in our basement.

6. When they have even a slight fever

You cannot believe how many horrible diseases begin with "elevated temperature" on WebMD.

7. When they say they're not hungry

You cannot believe how many horrible diseases begin with "loss of appetite" on WebMD.

8. When they seem hungrier than usual

There can only be one reason for that.

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9. When I get a call from the school

"Ma'am, we all think our child will never be the one caught selling crack in the cafeteria," is the conversation I brace myself for.

10. When they get a phone call from a boy

I'm pretty certain this is who's on the other end.

11. When they're a few minutes late coming home

I just know they've either fallen in a sinkhole, been kidnapped again (for their other kidney) or are strapped to that teddy bear with a bomb inside.

12. When I hear them getting a bunch of texts

SEXTING.

13. When they have to take the subway at night

I don't let them take the subway at night, because that's when the men with axes get on.

14. When they ask for money to go out

They are probably going straight here: