How to Tackle Tween Insecurity

This time of life can be a challenge for your young tween. Children at this age are going through puberty and dealing with more peer and societal stress than ever before. “Tweens are the new teens,” says parenting expert and educator Dr. Michele Borba. “They’re dealing with pressure earlier and earlier." Part of this has to do with what Borba calls the “Trifecta of Awkwardness." This is the age when they’re dealing with glasses, braces and acne all at once—along with life’s other challenges. How do you transform your tween’s self-image when they’re at this sensitive stage? We’ve got your step-by-step guide for recognizing the problem and helping your child get through it.

If your child tells you about teasing at school, or feeling uncomfortable about his acne-prone skin, don’t assume it’s a passing phase. Hear him out. “If parents can get a key on this early on, and really empathize with their tween, that’s so important,” says Borba. “Don’t push your child’s anxiety aside as a normal part of growing up. Really try to relate to what they’re going through.”

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Listen up. If your child’s self-confidence is slowly effacing, you’ll know it by the way he talks about himself and his capabilities. “You’re looking for red flags,” Borba says. “Your child will derail himself with negative comments. He’ll start saying ‘I can’t’ as opposed to ‘I can’ or ‘I won’t.’” That self-doubt should tip you off to a problem.

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Be on the lookout. Verbal language is important, but insecurity may show up in body language and social interaction, as well. Be observant. “Pulling back from social activities is a big one,” says Borba. “And watch body language: the shoulders may start to slump, she may begin to cover her face because she’s worried about her smile or acne.” If she starts to drag, or pleads to skip dance lessons, it’s time for a self-confidence checkup.

Make sure your child isn’t struggling with poor eyesight. You might not think of it as being a major issue, but if your son constantly has to move to the front of the class to see the board or your daughter feels like glasses make her "nerdy," consider another option. “Think about contact lenses," says Borba, who adds that grades might start to drop if the problem isn't corrected. "There are instant, one-day, disposable contacts now that are life savers. You’ll be amazed at the lift in their confidence.”

If you think your child might be suffering from insecurities, take the first steps toward dealing with them in a soft, easy-going manner. “Know that they’re embarrassed, and just take initiative,” Borba says. “Tell her you’ve made her an appointment with a dermatologist and eye doctor, along with her regular doctor. Just say it casually: ‘They may be able to help with your skin and eyesight.’” Doing things in a no-big-deal sort of way will be much easier for many kids than having a sit-down discussion.

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If you want to talk it out with your child, then develop a strategy you think will work. Some are more open to the straightforward approach, but others may need a nudge first. “When broaching the subject, use this rule of thumb: What has worked in the past?” says Borba. “Some kids will just walk up and ask to fix the insecurity. ‘Mom, I’d like to go see a derm about my skin.’ But some kids won’t. A subtle approach is to direct toward a friend, or use a topic in the news. ‘I noticed your friend got contacts…’ ‘What are your friends saying about bullying? I am seeing so many stories about it. Have you seen it in school?’ Deflecting may help your son or daughter open up.”

Build confidence while bonding with other women and their daughters, using thought-provoking books as a vehicle for discussion. Borba recommends a mom-daughter book club. “Read books like Queen Bees and Wannabes or Stargirl that are about self-image and bullying,” she says. “Another girl may open up there, which will allow your daughter to open up.” You can also encourage real talk over pizza and the latest flick at the cinema. “Another great way to connect is through seeing a movie, and going to get dinner afterward,” Borba says. “Talk about what you saw on screen that’s relevant to their lives, and how he or she feels about it.”

Kids can use sites like Facebook and Twitter to compare their levels of attractiveness and gain “likes” and “retweets.” Sometimes, they’re gauging their popularity, which can impact their self-esteem. So keep tabs. “Social media is a privilege—let them know this,” says Borba. “Make sure you know exactly what accounts they have, and let them know you’ll be checking in on them once in awhile. Ask: ‘I’m just curious, why did you choose that color as your Twitter background?’ or ‘Why did you choose to post that?’” That small nugget of insight may reveal what’s going on in his mind and in his world.

Does your son have a knack for fixing things? Does your daughter have the ability to make anyone smile? Let your child know. “There was a study conducted by the University of Minnesota, which showed you can reframe self-image by boosting one quality that isn’t superficial,” says Borba. “Maybe your daughter has a fabulous memory, a kind heart or a great sense of humor. Start acknowledging that trait, and weave it into everyday conversations. Get dad onboard, too. If your kid tells a joke that gets a big laugh, say, ‘Did you see the response you got?’ Point it out. Five, 10, 15 seconds—then walk away. In 21 days, children will start to internalize it. Focusing on that amazing, positive trait will start to transform their self-confidence.”

As a parent, part of the job description is showering your child with love. But find the balance between pulling her closer and letting her go off on her own. Instead of immediately calling the teacher when she gets a D on the algebra test, let her approach him herself. “Start early,” says Borba. “Make your kids feel worthwhile with hugs, with love, but you also want them to feel confident and instill a sense of capableness. The earlier, the better. Don’t fight all their battles. Allow them to handle things, too.”