While we all want to support our friends and family who are struggling with fertility or having a difficult time getting pregnant, we also don’t want to stick our foot in our mouths with a well-intentioned but misguided statement. In an effort to keep the conversation supportive, here are a few comments to avoid when talking to someone who is going through a very personal and challenging time with fertility.
Never assume ... anything
“Never assume someone is religious. Someone told me after my miscarriage that when God wants me to have a baby, I will. I have never been so angry and hurt in my life. Why wouldn’t God want me to have another baby? Never insinuate that it will work out with fertility because you never know. Never say, ‘But you already have a kid, so that should be enough.'”
— Veena Goel Crownholm, mom of 2
Don't tell them to get a surrogate
“What not to say: When are you having kids? You can just adopt? or Why don’t you just get a surrogate?”
— Erica M. McAfee, founder of Sisters in Loss and mom of 1
Don't ask if they've already thought of adoption
“‘Have you ever considered adopting?’ I hate when people ask that. There are millions of reasons why I would want to try and carry a child first and don’t want to feel like I need to explain myself.”
— Monica Greco, mom of 2
Don't give unsolicited advice
“If you know someone struggling with fertility, understand that they are going through an extremely challenging time filled with uncertainty. To best support them, I suggest saying, ‘If you ever need to talk, let me know.’ Don’t ask them if they are ‘still’ trying or about fertility treatments. Don’t give unsolicited advice from random online articles, a friend that had fertility issues but now has three kids, another friend who used miracle herbs, or any other fertility-related topics unless they want to talk about it. Best to just talk about the other topics that in the past have given them joy.”
— Beth Blecherman, @TechMama and mom of 2
Forget about 'meant to be'
“Please don’t tell a woman trying to have a baby to ‘be patient, it will happen.’ Or tell her, ‘It will happen if it is meant to be.’ Or say you ‘understand or can imagine what it must feel like‘ since no one that hasn’t experienced infertility can possibly understand the loss and void and hopelessness you feel. I particularly hated friends telling me that I should just keep trying … although they meant well. When and how much trying is in each of our souls and bodies. It’s up to each person and not determined by the number of in-vitro fertilization [treatments] or tests or procedures. It is such a personal decision.”
— Diana Restrepo, mom of 1
Don't tell someone 'not to stress about it'
What not to say: “‘Everything happens for a reason.’ ‘I feel so bad for you.’ ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through.’ ‘I’m glad I’m not in your shoes. ‘Maybe it’s God’s plan.’ ‘Try not to stress about it.'”
— Marissa LaBuz, mom of 2
It's not about 'just relaxing'
“Do NOT tell someone struggling with fertility to ‘just relax, it will happen.’ Infertility is a medical condition that does not just improve by relaxing. Would you tell someone with diabetes to just relax to regulate their insulin levels? No. So don’t say that to someone facing infertility.”
— Halle Tecco, founder of Natalist and mom of 1
Being young doesn't always matter
“The worst thing to say to someone who is struggling to get or stay pregnant is either telling them to relax and it will happen when you least expect it, or reminding them that they are so young and have plenty of time.”
— Arden Cartrette, mom of 1
It's about staying positive and flexible
“To me, it’s less about what not to say and more about encouraging women to stay positive and focused on where they want to go. Have faith in what you want to have happen, and don’t focus on what you fear will happen. Nobody can control the outcome, so I never say to women, ‘Don’t worry, you will definitely be able to get pregnant with your own eggs.’ Nobody can say that. But I can say to a woman, ‘Have faith that you and your partner will figure out how to create a family in some way.’ You just have to breathe, stay calm, remain positive, and don’t be dogmatic that if things don’t happen exactly as you plan, devastation will ensue. I am so grateful things have unfolded for me the way they have, even though I felt sad and hopeless at times on my way to getting to this point I now find myself.”
— Jenny Hayes Edwards, pregnant with her first child
