My first son was a terrible sleeper. It would take hours to get him to fall asleep, even when he was dead tired. Then, he’d be up all night, nursing, fussing, climbing all over me. After all that, he’d still wake up super early: 5 a.m. wakeups were the norm.
I was so tired for the first year of his life
But more than that, I was desperate to figure out why he was waking up so much — and whether there was anything I could do to fix it.
Like so many parents, I’d scour the internet for answers. “Put your kid down drowsy but awake,” advice would say. That made no sense to me, because my son didn’t get “drowsy” unless I rocked him for an hour. Then, if I tried to put him down, he’d jolt right back up.
The idea of trying to sleep train him sounded impossible, too, because there was no way he’d cry or fuss for a few minutes and then fall asleep. He was the type who would only get more upset as he cried — I’d already seen that happen to him without my deliberately leaving him to cry, and riling him up like that on purpose was not something my heart could handle.
Still, I was exhausted and searching for solutions
That was the state I was in when I attended my first breastfeeding support group meeting. I was hoping to find a gentle way to get my son to sleep a little better, one that wouldn’t interfere with our breastfeeding relationship.
I was surprised to find that the advice I was given — and that helped the most — was not some kind of method or training. Instead, one of the meeting facilitators gave me advice that I’ll never forget.
She told me that better sleep was something — like walking or talking — that kids do in their own time, according to their temperament and development. She said all I needed to do was continue soothing him, as I had been, and eventually, he would learn to sleep more independently.
The main person I needed to take care of was me
“My best advice for you is to live like a sleepy person would,” she said.
She suggested that I try not to schedule too many activities during the day, and generally keep as flexible a schedule as possible for those days that I really just needed a nap. She suggested living in sweatpants, and adjusting my expectations for what I can accomplish each day. Oh, and make sure my spouse lets me sleep in on the weekends.
This advice was really helpful to me, because I had been spending naptime trying to get housework and other stuff done, and I needed to learn to let that stuff go. Plus, I had definitely signed us up for too many baby classes and other activities. Scaling back on all of that helped me rest more, and even nap at times with my son. Sleeping on the weekends was a godsend as well, and my husband was thankfully on board with making that happen.
Looking back, I see how this type of advice would be really hard for someone with different life circumstances than me
I was a stay-at-home mom of one child at the time, so I had the ability to adjust my expectations and live more simply.
Still, I think this advice could apply to working parents, and parents with other kids or obligations. When your baby is little, and not sleeping, it’s OK if you want to say no to weekend plans, if you want to cancel that family vacation because simply the idea of going makes you tired. And there are always those weekend catch-up sessions!
Basically, you’re allowed to pare down your life in whatever way works for when you are a sleep-deprived parent of a young child. You need to put your own needs first, so that you can survive these difficult months. You don’t have to look all put together when you simply aren’t, and you certainly don’t have to please others by attending their events or get-togethers.
Most importantly, if trying to “fix” your child’s sleep isn’t working or isn’t something you feel able to do, that’s OK
Babies (and many toddlers too) are just crappy sleepers. It’s a very unpleasant phase, but it passes.
My “baby” is a high schooler, and of course, sleeps just fine now. In fact, my biggest struggle is getting him to wake up at a decent hour so he doesn’t miss his school bus. It makes me miss when he’d be up for the day at 5 a.m., crawling all over me. Well, almost.
